I find myself stuck lately...stuck trying to assure everyone else is okay. My CPTSD brain tells me to just dissociate, and its a pretty automatic thing that happens when I am overwhelmed and feeling on my own. So grief hits me at the most inconvenient times. Seems to flow with dad...he did a lot of big feeling stuff at very inappropriate times. when is an appropriate time to feel such huge and painful things?
Anyways, this has lead to a block in me. I have been unable to make myself write, because every time I write, I tend to spend my day weepy. I'd like the dark circles and huge bags under my eyes to go away...and if they would stop burning from wiping them so much that would be great. So in an effort to do things differently, instead of allowing my brain to shove another monster into the depths...I have found some prompts to follow, and plan to do this on a regular basis, until i can get my own thoughts and feelings flowing without having to use prompts.
In my mind this process will work because of the whole "Fake it till you make it" thing. Let's see how it goes....
PROCESSING DADS DEATH
1. What's a memory with Dad that feels warm and alive right now?
When I split with my husband, my Dad let me stay in his empty house while I licked my wounds and tried to figure out what I was going to do. He checked on me every day to make sure I was okay mentally...and to make sure I didn't need anything. I spent 2yrs living in his house. When I first asked him if I could use it, I found out there was a water main broken in the yard. I had to use the place with no water...I dug the hole to the main for repair to save him money and used melted snow/rain water to do things around the house. Given my life history with my dad, this was a complete turn around...and when I began to see he was not the same man who raised his kids. I became his advocate for my siblings to rebuild with him...sadly they never came around.
2. What do I wish I could tell him today?
Oh I wish I could say so many things. The first would be that I wish he had told me sooner of all the problems he was having instead of being so private and making only small hints. I would have been there more. I would have advocated earlier. I would have made sure he had better care and direction. I'd tell him that I never thought less of him for following the life he wanted to lead, even when it hurt.
3. What part of his personality lives on in me?
Funny enough, I do a lot of fermenting and natural medicines. Dad was always into that stuff and we (The family) always hated it..thought it was weird and gross. Now here I am doing it too, i also garden the same way he did, even though he didnt teach me his ways until he was on his death bed.
I am also kind of detached from family the way he was, and for the same reasons. I feel like my family has shown me that blood isnt thicker than water. When it really boils down to it, we are all alone and I am just doing the best I can for myself on a daily basis.
4. When I close my eyes, how does his presence feel in my body? (comfort, ache, both?)
Currently, when I close my eyes and think of my Dad, the only image I can still come up with is him laying in the hospital bed on his last day...we were there for 12hrs. The image of him laying there, trying to gasp for breath and screaming in pain....it makes me ache. I can not move passed this. This last day haunts me.
5. What is the hardest part of the silence/absence right now?
I have so many questions about how things went. It seemed so sudden when I was first alerted that he needed help, but it turns out to be health problems they had been investigating for about 2yrs. Seems like his dementia was being medicated also for about the same amount of time from the fall he had in 2022 and broke his orbital bone. There are so many things i want to ask.
NAVIGATING GRIEF AND CPTSD
1. How does grief feel differently than my cptsd triggers? Where do they overlap?
Sorry I am no psych trained such and such. i am not capable of analyzing that about myself.
2. When heaviness comes, what small comforts actually help me? (tea, music, walking, writing)
I love hiking. I microdose mushrooms. I forage and make medicines. I game. Writing helps (Obviously). Music, if it's striking me as the perfect thing for what im feeling will really move me.Being near forests and water ground me a lot. Practicing rituals of my own to process my lost, to let go and move on. Sometimes drugs....prescribed and otherwise.
3. What does "safe" feel like for me today and how can i create a pocket o fit for myself?
i do not know.
4. What words do I wish others would say to me when I am overwhelmed with grief?
I love when people ask me for stories about my Dad.
HONOURING AND MEANING MAKING
1. What rituals feel right to honour my Dad (light a candle, cooking food, walking where he loved)?
His biggest passion was in gardening and using techniques that don't stress the earth to make the most bountiful harvests with the fewest pests you'd see in most places. When I garden now, I think of him...and a dear old friend who actually taught me how beautiful growing things is. I'd also like to take up photography...art was always a big passion of his.
2. How can I weave his memory into my daily life without it always feeling so heavy?
I use his things, it gives me comfort to tell myself he's there because I'm using his tools or his warm shirts. I use his watch every day and tell myself hes with me when im doing anything. it does help a lot to have little things that he touched around me.
3. What legacy of his do I want to carry forward consciously?
He was adamant in the end that he didn't have a legacy. In the end, and throughout his life, anytime he met any random stranger...friend or family. didnt matter who the person was. If they were struggling, Dad would offer assistance, and while he was helping fix things he would teach the person how to fix the thing themselves so they were never stuck again. Dad showed people that even if they didn't use the soft words, there was always someone out there willing to do the good thing and help people out. He never wanted anything in return...only to know that he helped fix a thing. He was always dreaming up better ways to do everything and i wish i had a mind more like that.
SELF COMPASSION
1. What do I need to forgive myself for during this grieving process? (slow pace, exhaustion, not doing enough?)
Its a long and complex story, but I need to forgive myself for going no contact with him when his health issues were starting. I had no idea he was that unwell...if i had known, i would have put my hurt feelings aside. I tell myself that I could have advocated for him earlier to receive better care. That maybe he wouldnt have suffered so much or felt so lonely....he wouldn't have had to make friends at a community kitchen in order to have people to talk to while his body was slowly dying. He wouldnt have had to throw away all his family photos if he had family to give them to. uff this one is hard.
2. What part of me is growing stronger because i am facing this grief?
I know that I am capable of being there for my loved ones when they need me the most. I am capable of doing the hard choices everyone told me my whole life that I am too fragile to face. I can know it out of the fucking park.
BONUS PROMPTS
1. If my grief could speak, what would it say to me?
Feel me.
2. What songs, scents, or places instantly bring him back to me? - and what do i do with that moment?
This one is tough to explain. It's not really scents, but little random things. Dad was very random about his passions. Give me any little niche, weird hobby or habit and he loved practicing it. Put a antique ornate frame that busted in my line of sight and i will see him resculpting it out of putty to make it beautiful again. I appreciate these moments.
3. Where do I feel most connected to Dad outside of memory? (Nature, music, family gatherings)?
in nature, practicing art, tending gardens
4. What have I learned about love since losing him?
Not everyone is capable of expressing their love in the ways that are important to you. Be open to everything that comes your way...even damaged attempts. They all are full of love and hope...hope of having it returned.
5. What might healing look like without forgetting?
Being able to talk about the hard moments and finding a way to bring humour into it...or being able to honour him in the way he deserved. There has been a lot of hurt for a lot of years and it would be nice to be able to bring humanity back into it, and offer him the love he deserves for trying in the way he know how.
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