I went to sleep at 12:20AM, shortly after coming back home from catching up with a friend at the local park, but woke up around 2AM. It’s amazing how much we have both matured in so many ways. He used to deny his sexuality for a long time and I’m proud that he’s now able to embrace it so freely. I, on the other hand, experience almost the opposite. Almost. That’s only because, while I accept myself and my sexuality, I fear of disclosing it to very specific people. I know that everyone has a journey. I have mine. And I don’t need to disclose it to anyone I don’t feel comfortable doing it. However, I still get anxiety spikes when I think how they’ll react if they come to know through another person.
How did I become a people-pleaser in this sense? I don’t have the answers. Maybe it’s because I people-pleased authority figures since my childhood; because what I learned back then is that love is earned and based on performance. However, why should I continue to hold my horses back just to please other people’s expectations of me? Life is short, and if they won’t die my death, why would I give them the power to be the ones “living” my life?
Tomorrow I expect to finally get the position I first applied for when I started my current job. That is also making me anxious. I feel failure. I feel not knowing what to do because, even though I have the studies, I don’t have the experience. But everyone has to start somewhere at some point, and I think they will be understanding with it. I’m a fast learner, but in a fast-paced environment where a lot of things are not set in stone, where circumstances change constantly, and where there are a lot of situations that don’t have a black and white answers is something I feel unprepared for.
Anyway, I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. It’s already 4AM and I have to be up in about 2 hours. I better get some sleep now. I need to be in good mental shape for the day, ready to tackle what I’ll find.
Zzz
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