*TW: drug abuse, addiction *
I hate to admit, but I miss abusing pills. So much. I was the happiest I’d ever been and I crave that feeling badly. It’s such a strong urge unfortunately; especially when I’m alone. I was actually prescribed the pill I used to abuse and when I take it, I feel some remnants of what I used to feel when I’d take five or so at a time. Now I only take one. Just one. And that eats me alive at night especially. I used to have so much fun with it and sometimes it would just numb all of the pain I felt. Now it’s meant to numb the pain in my injured knee and I just want more.
I know it’s bad to feel this way and I don’t necessarily need help; the cravings only come sometimes. At random times, for sure. I also realize this entry is different than my other ones. I’m simply venting to the void about my struggles. I just wanna feel good again. I feel like it also helps with my flashbacks and other issues that I have. Which in hindsight is probably a good thing? I’m just so lost.
Within the few minutes I stopped writing this, I took one extra pill. I’m disappointed in myself, very deeply so. I know my boyfriend would be very disappointed and maybe even mad at me, but in the end I only took one extra one and it was the lesser mg one instead of the 600. So it shouldn’t do any damage and I should be fine but maybe I’ll actually feel something again or maybe I’ll feel nothing. And sometimes feeling nothing is better than feeling all of the things I usually do. Who knows?
I hope rather deeply that this won’t be a reoccurring theme. Of me wanting to abuse my medication. Luckily it’s not something that could cause major damage to me and I’m not in any danger.
Y’know, maybe nobody will read this. And that’s fine because I think I just needed to go on a rant. And in other news, I am doing fairly well, truly. I just got a decent job and my flashbacks have been much less lately. We also got the new apartment and it’s been really nice being here. I think things are finally turning around for me and my boyfriend.
It’s just hard when my boyfriend is at work and I’m off of work and home with my thoughts. My trauma therapist has encouraged me to do other things while I am alone so that I don’t have flashbacks or bad thoughts at night. But there’s only so much I can do right now with most of my art stuff packed away (one of my main coping skills). And the gaming computer is also packed away for now. We just moved all of our stuff here about a week and a half to two weeks ago.
Anyways, this is me signing off for the night.
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