I don’t remember what prompted my mom telling me this, but when I was a teenager she told me about a night not long into my parents marriage. My dad had gone out with a bunch of his buddies. Boys night I guess. She said she was joking with him after and asked him how many women he’d talked to the night before. As serious as he could be, she said he told her “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” That’s where I’ve been since last Saturday. I have so many questions that I’m not entirely sure I want answers to. But I’m asking anyway.
I went to lunch with Sandra on Tuesday because I needed someone to talk to about all of this. I just kept repeating to her, “make this make sense”. I’m not oblivious to the obvious reasons as to why you wouldn’t have told me about everything at first. But my best guess is that y’all are about 9 months into this. I went back through all of our texts through about April. I lost count on the number of times I went off on you because of something I saw on FB. All the times that she would post “lovey dovey” things I thought she was posting it for you, because of you. I guess she was but not in the way that I thought. You selling your boat, I just figured you’d decided that one was too big…then you sent the picture of you and Ay on the jet ski. Any time you sent me pictures of you with Ay, I just assumed it was from a day that you and her were spending together with Ay and you were sending me pictures that she took of you. My first thought was always “great, another beautiful afternoon for the loving couple.” You’ve been hot and cold and hot and cold towards me more so than you ever have been. I’ve apologized to you about everything that I’ve said. My temper when I feel like I’m being made a fool of is my worst character flaw. And all those times that’s how I felt. Right now though, I’m mortified and embarrassed even more than I was then for acting that way. I take full responsibility for everything I said. I have to say this though. You had to have of known how much pain I was in over the things I believed to be true. I would not have of said the things I did if I was not in that much pain. Why have you let me believe all of it for this long? Why have you let me hurt this bad for this long? I am REALLY struggling with that. I don’t think you are a bad man. I have this need to believe that above it all you are a good man, and were dealing with your own pain and issues. But at some point did it not ever occur to you that I may have been somewhat more agreeable had I known the truth?
I have been in such an ambiguous place in your life for so long. We’re not together, we’re more than friends. We don’t see each other, we don’t talk on the phone. You keep up with me and my life with intent interest. Send me flowers on my bday, set Jarod up with a job contact (btw, thank you again so much for doing that, but a little context behind why you were comfortable letting me “use your name” would have been nice. J has known that a man named “K O” has been in my life for a while, because anytime you got us a room, your name was always on the welcome message on the TV. But I couldn’t really explain our relationship), offer rooms if you think it…all the things a boyfriend might do. You’ve continued to message me through it all. I asked you last night if there is (I’m asking now…or has there been) someone else. You didn’t answer my question. “Anyone” to me implies there has been someone.
I don’t want to see you right now. So you don’t have to worry about me asking. But I have lived in this place for too long because of A. I won’t do it because of someone else. Please have enough respect for me and tell me the truth. You will never have to hear from me again, I will leave you alone.
I know this is the message you have been trying to avoid all this time. I hope that it is coming across as respectful as I’m trying for it to be. If you ever truly loved me, then love me enough to give me some answers and the truth.
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