Today I talked to vocational rehab and while I don’t remember exactly everything that they said, I took notes and put them in that same folder as my resume. From what I remember from the conversation it went something like they were mentioning medical coding and a few other jobs that might not be such an issue with panic attacks. Also that now I have access to borrowing M’s car that opens up some more possibilities for jobs. Also we discussed disability more as well as what went wrong at last job, etcetera.
I ended up crying. it was deeply embarrassing but I don’t know how else to have such difficult conversations. It just seems that anytime difficult topics are brought up I start crying and I can’t seem to control that. I wish I could get that under control but at the same time I guess it’s better than bottling it up? I’m not really sure. I mean really what I want to do is not embarrass myself so yeah I guess I do want to stop being such a “cry baby” but I mean I just don’t know how to hold back the floodgates sometimes. I’ve googled the issue more times over the years than I care to admit. Therapists and so forth recommended some deep breaths and tilting the head back or temporarily leaving the area to recompose. That doesn’t necessarily solve the problem though because escaping in time is not always an option, and deep breathing has not helped.
I’ve been dealing with panic attacks for so long and I don’t really know what else to try at this point. Therapist tells me that I am “doing everything right” by continuing to go out of the house despite them, but the panic attacks still persist and even seem to get worse and more frequent. I don’t know… ugh. Sometimes the attacks seem very related to the crying, but at least crying doesn’t feel like being held at gunpoint.
In other mention of news the vocational rehab woman mentioned maybe I should just have a difficult conversation with the household about rent and such. I brought it up with M once more and I would like to bring it up with A but at the same time I don’t want to bother him on his time back at home… but I guess I really need the reassurance? I don’t want there to be a proverbial elephant between us because I consider him to be a good friend. I hope I can repay him tenfold one day.
Rent has been hanging over my head, and probably his as well. Even though we agreed we’d all pay our own portion of the rent and bills he still hasn’t kicked me out. Likely because A knows that I would have no place else to go. It makes me feel like a leech. I know that I’m doing everything that I can to get a job that I can hold down, but the whole process has been so frustrating.
Being tired all the time over these years has really started to wear on me. Besides the obvious such as sleep hygiene and asking the Doc, it hasn’t improved, so it’s really demotivating. A solution which does not include a “forever nap” needs to be found.
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