Content warming: suicide
I often find myself thinking maybe things will get better. they sometimes do for a short while; sometimes I’m surprised to find in a moment of distraction that I’m actually enjoying myself. sometimes I think that things are finally looking up, and then I hit another low… I’m tired of getting back up because it has gotten me nowhere but over a decade in of semi-suicidality. I keep looking for the perfect suicide solution but I suppose none exist; only that some are either more reliable, cheaper, or less painful or messy than others. It’s funny that even when thinking about death all I can think is what I ought not do or what I’m liable to do wrong “can’t” this and “can’t” that. “Can’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, won’t.” I’m a scarey cat. I don’t want to end up imprisoned in a hospital, or as a vegetable, or both.
Sometimes simply thinking through how I might do it puts my mind at ease. I suppose it’s because having a final solution in my back pocket if things don’t work out is oddly comforting?
Maybe this is just passive thinking… I’ve been stuck in the planning stages for years holding onto hope. “maybe this med will work” “maybe this therapy will work” “maybe waiting it out will work” “maybe these other ten meds” “maybe this study” “maybe this novel drug”… maybe nothing may work at this point, or only for a short while, before another depression episode hits.
Maybe sticking it out is the only best solution I have sometimes, and enduring that honestly sucks.
I’m so tired all the time.
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