Have you ever had an argument with your significant other but couldn't remember the details afterwards? My mom emotionally abused us as kids, so I apparently blank out when conflict occurs. When my husband yells or swears at me, I can't remember what it was about.
Lately I have noticed he doesn't have much tolerance for my feelings, especially the unpleasant ones.
I remember my husband yelling "FUCK!" at me in our garage last weekend. Our 4-year-old-son was there and I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. I was wearing my white puffy jacket and my son was in his green hat. But why can't I remember why my husband yelled at me? I must have done *something* to provoke him. I'm not saying I deserved it or that he was justified, but sometimes I get upset. I probably said something annoying.
What hurts the most is when he mocks me in front of our kids. He will repeat what I said in a nasty voice. I wonder sometimes who his words are meant for. Me, I suppose. But it is hard to accept that the man who loves me would want to hurt me.
He has been upset today, working in the garage all day while I take care of the kids and the puppy. He told me he had a terrible nightmare last night but wouldn't readily admit what it was about. I finally convinced him to tell me: he said I undressed in front of four strange men and he was furious.
I didn't tell him but I also had a bad dream about him... in it, he was screaming at the kids and me and telling us we can never be good enough.
I wish I could run away.
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