6/17/2014 in Journal Stuff

So…just had a nice drawn out argument with mom and dad. It’s going to “break her heart” when I don’t contact them again until after she’s dead once I’m outside of my dependence on their money. I love to imagine that this is all just fleeting bullshit, that I’m not so petty as to hold a grudge. Every time this shit happens it reinforces this wall I have regarding her. 7 times 77. I keep giving her an option to be a better person, to not be self-serving in every argument, every situation. The latest happening is that I bought food and didn’t have space in the little basement fridge/freezer for a pizza. So I put it in the upstairs freezer. A day later, I go up to make myself it for dinner and it’s gone. Mom had gone rummaging in her post drinking lazyday for food and “found” mine. She cooked it up and ate it under the assumption that dad bought her food that she didn’t ask for because she wanted it. Dad doesn’t buy her food that she doesn’t ask for. He doesn’t buy himself pizzas as far as I know. Lucas buys pizza sometimes, but I don’t remember dad ever doing that outside of mom asking him to. So she assumed that the pizza there was hers so that she could have some comfort food while not having to leave the couch. Now, I’m frustrated because I don’t have dinner food here and it’s 7:30 at night. I get onto her about it and she just keeps throwing up excuse after excuse, claiming they aren’t excuses. It’s funny because if she’d just accept responsibility, the whole conversation would have dropped and I would’ve just been unhappy with her carelessness. Instead I kept refuting every wall she threw up.

She thought it was hers because she and dad are the same person in that house. Anything that’s his is hers and she assumed it was his.

She shouldn’t be punished for her actions when they’re accidents. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t think about whose it was. (I told her people go to jail over negligent homicide all the time)

I never use the upstairs freezer. (I used it last week for a pizza that she never saw, but since she didn’t see it, it never happened)

My name wasn’t on it (no joke. Anything without her name on it is now mine).

It was hers because it was “her” money that paid for it. (she hasn’t worked for 6 years? And wastes money all over the place) My response was that the money in my account was gifted to me (or a loan to be repayed as we had originally agreed) and was not hers. She didn’t accept that.

She offered to replace it tomorrow, so I shouldn’t be angry with her. I told her she should replace it now so I have something to eat. She was in the same clothes she had on at 9 this morning in the same spot in front of the TV as she had been all day. She said I was already dressed, so I should go out and get it before she should.

After 20 minutes of her saying it wasn’t her fault so many times, she tried to claim that she had apologized for it. I told her that apology counts for nothing because she’ll do it again (as this is the 4th time since moving from Decatur that she’s done it). She doesn’t remember a single previous time, which is more evidence of her going to do this again. I end up digging out the raisin bran from my Rolla supplies and end up having a bowl of that since I was starving. She yells from her spot that she’ll replace it claiming that now that she has turned off the TV, it was easier to think. I told her it didn’t matter anymore, because I found something else for dinner and she lost her chance to correct her mistake. We had been conversing/arguing for about 25 minutes by now. She waited until I was literally eating a bowl of cereal before doing what she should have done at the beginning. In my mind, I just saw her as guessing she wouldn’t have to do it at this point and could claim she tried to “right” it at this point.

Dad offered to take me to Johnny’s and Imo’s but I wanted that little thin crust, not the Chicago style and not super grease/oil. Plus, it was mom’s responsibility to fix her mistake and even though she kept pulling him into the conversation and it was causing him a bit of stress, I didn’t want to make him take the burden again. I should have just gone with him and written her off but she has to be given the chance to fix it or I’ll feel bad if/when she doesn’t get to see her grandkids.

She keeps randomly throwing out that she didn’t mean to make me upset. I keep telling her she didn’t care, doesn’t care I’m upset, just that I’m punishing her, and that the fact the she’ll probably do it again means she isn’t actually sorry for what she did. She claims I’m now verbally abusing her when she did this same stuff to us every time we did something wrong growing up. It was onesided back then because we couldn’t say anything back without being told that we were backtalking. Now that it’s being done to her, it’s verbal abuse.

I went downstairs for an hour, packed some stuff up in my room and watched an episode of Lie to Me, then went to get something to drink from the downstairs fridge. Dad’s at the top of the stairs telling me he bought a digiorno’s for me. I hate digiorno’s pizza outside of their garlic crust pepperoni (which is like 2000 calories, so I don’t get them) and tell him as much. Mom didn’t even know what brand pizza she had eaten, so I assumed she ate it during a drunken state. It wasn’t yesterday, it was today, and I “shouldn’t be telling chris that she’s drunk all the time.” I wasn’t planning on saying anything, just letting it stew and see how it felt compared to making an entry. But after she said that I thought I might as well type it out. So I told her that chris’ll probably hear about it in the next week or so. I told them both again that it’s past the point of mom correcting the problem. She had her chance and she spent the whole time making excuses. She says she “told me that she’d go out to dierbergs and get it tonight.” Which I told her no, she didn’t, because she said she wouldn’t when I gave her that option before I had eaten. She claimed that she did, repeatedly (as if it would absolve her of anything because she made a half-assed, afterthought of an effort), and that my “memory isn’t as great as I think it is” because I told her she didn’t say that she would. I told her it was like chris saying years after the fact that he’ll get degree before dating Bethany or some shit. It doesn’t matter when it no longer means anything. Her saying she’ll fix it when there’s no longer something to fix is the same thing to me as if she never said it.

She was wanting to conflate the two so it was like she said she would correct it all at the beginning of the conversation, but I was being too childish to let her fix things. It’s all subconscious for her, her whole arguing strategy. After the initial conversation and making myself cereal for dinner, I didn’t bring it up at all. She kept telling me it wasn’t her fault, making excuses, etc, while telling me to let it go when I argued back.

Tomorrow’s a drinking day, so I’m going to see if I can’t get a big black permanent marker, write my name on her vodka gallon and pour it down the sink. Because I’m a vindictive little ass that has no problem being a hypocrite when it’s turns petty.

~

Based on a day trip to visit grandpa/old people at Lambert's, it's really obvious that lucas is really depressed. Saw my cousin from MST there. It was kind of weird and uncomfortable since we had nothing to talk about, are different, socially, and are pretty much strangers who are related. It was just weird.

Had a couple dreams that didn't automatically kick into lucids when they got creepy, which is odd for me. I was being stalked by me and wherever I went, I'd get spooked somehow. Walking out into water that's waist deep to what looked like a floating pallet, I'd get pulled by the knees under it. That's all, I'd float down there for a moment before the scenery would change. Then it would just be another similar situation. I'd be in a city alleyway, get thrown by someone who wouldn't be there after throwing me or whatever. Disorientation and then a new scene. It was a new enough type of dream that I liked it. Like a horror movie that felt too real. So much more real than shitty acting/plots. It made sense when i was in it and everything.