So, I won’t lie I was a sweeter, kinder version of myself a few years back, staying up all night to help a friend do her assignments after finishing mine, being available to anyone at any given time, ‘take all my food if you want’ kinda a girl in the dorm, but at some point, I had to realize I need to be different, learn to say no, and that, not everyone deserves my kindness. I’m 25 now and I have done just that, although I wouldn’t say entirely, but let’s say everyone would have loved who I was a few years ago, right now they have issues because I’m nice 80%, and it’s hard to take the 20% meanness coming from me.
But one recent conversation with my roommates (some of my closest friends at the moment) made me realize how wrong their version of who I am is. Well, they have just known me for a little more than a year, and talking to them made me realize how wrong of an opinion we can form of each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have flaws I accept, I am not the nicest person, I think no one is, and I am not an exception either. It was just shocking to learn how they took my actions and formed their own opinions of who I am because of what I did( again, I think everyone does it) but they were so adamant about who they think I am. It’s bizarre to me because that’s not who I am. It started event ended being a playful conversation but I was hurt, maybe they could see that, but I decided to choose silence over justification because part of me felt, why do I care what they think of me? I am who I am, not who they think I am.
I’ve been rambling about my emotions for quite a while now and if you are still reading, maybe you are dying of curiosity about what happened. One of my roommates, the one I have known the least, got into some trouble with the cops. I wanted to go help out, but my other roommates convinced me not to, and I am glad they did. It was not a situation I could have handled. But she had called me to help, I did what I could and tried to convince her to show her ID to the cops (she would not!) and removed myself from the situation. Things got worse, but we were there for her after, she is better, and not bitter is what I thought. The funny thing is when this incident came up, she said I seemed to be a person who would run away from a situation and would not stand up for a friend, while my other roommates if they were there would have. But they were there, I guess since they decided to hide from the start, she thought they didn’t know what was happening at the time, so I decided to not tell. I knew I’d have to seem the bad guy, I guess it’s okay. I’ll be that.
Another goofy topic was; If life’s a horror movie, whose dying first? Okay, it’s funny, it should be but the two of them said it would be me without any hesitation, almost instantly (LOL). I’ll be honest, they didn’t give me a good reason and said ‘Well no one else makes sense’ and it hurt me. I wondered if they thought I was a stupid person who couldn’t protect myself, and it was not the first time one of them had made me feel this way. and you know said something they should not have, they did, and it hurt. They are not the worst friends, but also the most, I’m going to only look for myself kind of people I have met, and now when I’m learning to be the same, it’s a problem.
I could not sleep after this, I kept narrating my comebacks, you know, things I knew, I noticed, that could have hurt them, that were insecurities. but I can’t, I don’t like to hurt people, I’m not confrontational. I don’t care if they get hurt (by words, not rocks). I JUST don’t want to be the person who does it, it’s something you can never take back, so I won’t. I’ll just continue to keep my bad thoughts to myself, oh I mean share them on an anonymous forum with the world. I’ll be me, and let them deal with the ugly version of me they have on their minds.
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