This day. four years ago was the saddest day of my life that I have ever lived. It is a day that still haunts me a bit to this very moment. It is a day that I have done everything I can to move on for, but it is a day that thankfully only comes around this once in a year.
I find it very difficult to say anything on here. This is because of the fact that it’s impossible to truly take someone to the depths of what it is like until it happens to them, and it will. There isn’t anything that can prepare you for it. Yet when it does. you find out who your real friends are.
When it happened, I just wanted to shut down. I thought to myself if I just stopped eating I could slip away quietly, because this pain is just too much for me to handle.
You see, when I was a young boy growing up I only wanted one thing, one woman that I could love in this life and receive her love, and raise a family with. I wanted to love one woman, have children with one woman live in a house and grow old with one woman. and make love to one woman once I’d felt that I’d gotten to know her well enough.
I should say this here. I made that decision when I was nine years old.
It didn’t turn out to be that way when my life started unrolling. Yet after a while, I came across a thought that was put into my heart by The Lord, well before I was saved. People will come into your life my child, and will love you for a little while to let you know how it feels to be loved, so that when the right one comes along, you’ll know how it feels and what to do about it.
Then she came into my life. I was living in Florida and was working two part time jobs. At the time, I was homeless, but I had a car which I was honestly living in but being in Florida, I knew where the beaches were and I could take a shower everyday. I was working in a restaurant in one of my jobs, and I was a dishwasher and she was one of the Waitresses. I was done with my shift one night and I looked up and her back was to me and she had that halo around her hair from the fluorescent lighting, and I thought my God…
She’d known that I liked her because I was asking everyone about her. I asked her out and we went out every night for two straight weeks. Our third date was to go see Stewart Little at the movie theater. We had dinner beforehand at Wendy’s. We talked through the whole night and until the sun came up the next morning about everything. She got paid that day from walmart, and she treated us to breakfast. We walked hand in hand that morning on the boardwalk by the beach.
The boardwalk at Daytona Beach became our spot, because that’s where we would walk in the later parts of the evening listening to the seagulls flying overhead and feeling the cool water lapping at our heels. We moved into a trailer together on 01 November 2004. I had four cats, she had two....
It worked famously because we were in love and there was nothing to fight about. Every time that I got paid she’d be waiting for me to get home so that we could go to the buffet. We didn’t have much, but we had each other and therein we had everything. She got sick soon after we moved in together, and started seeing a whole bunch of doctors and going to different clinics.
She talked to me about coming here, because her two grown sons were here. We got here on 03 July 2005. Wendy, our beautiful little kitty passed away on 03 July 2006. Little Girl, her Burmese kitty passed away in September that same year. Mya, our beautiful kitty passed away on 20 May 2008. We watched her take her last breath, it was very sad. Then Hatcat, our beautiful little orange tabby boy passed away on 23 February 2010. That itself was a lot to go through.
Then came 19 Tuesday October 2010.
That day I was crying from my heart all day, and I didn’t know why.
Forgive me, I just cannot go through the agonizing details of that day, even today. Long story short my beautiful Wife Susan passed away with her hands in mine in a hospital bed. I can see the silhouette of the hospital from where I live. I pass it everyday when I both go and come home from Church on Sundays.
I started reading the Bible from the Gospels on after everything happened. I was Baptised in The Holy Spirit in July of 2012.
Truth being told, when Susan got sick, the last time that we made love was September of 2005. At first I thought it must be me and she just didn’t want to make love. Well, for a long time I thought that actually. Today is nine years and a month later, and that is why I want to wait until marriage because it means so very much to me.
That’s all I can say without totally breaking down.
Cheers,
Cbj
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