I don’t write.
I don’t normally place my thoughts into paper - or words.
Vulnerability is fickle, yields room for pain and hurt.
I am not quite sure what has been wrong with me. Something is clearly wrong with me right now. I have always been unable to properly feel positive emotions. May it be due to imposter syndrome, may it be due to an abysmal self-esteem from years of abuse within my upbringing.
I am quite uncertain what the day will yield for me, yet this was another sleepless night. Unfortunately, this time, the night was not restless due to my own volition. I had a great day and was incredibly happy.
Throughout the night, I was bubbly, I was hyperactive, I was ecstatic to enjoy my day. Yet as the night progressed, it dawned on me that… It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter I was happy. I felt alone. There is no worse feeling than feeling alone when surrounded by people.
I do not blame them; I was online with some friends - acquaintances? Unsure. People whose company I somewhat enjoy and partake in hobbies such as silly games every now and then when I am in the mood to do so. And I realized something. I was alone.
It is not up to anyone else to match my mood, to feed my emotions, to make me feel heard and seen, that is something that should come from within. But it felt as if I was monologuing. monologuing? Why does that seem wrong, uncertain. Thoughts scattered.
Either way, the realization that, well, it did not matter crushed me. I attempted to salvage the night, but that yielded no respite within the pain of emptiness. That is what I feel. Empty. Hollow. I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know what to do. I have grown complacent within these hours of the night, where my cat slept in my arms, and I stared at the ceiling. I had no thoughts, yet I do not remember the night. All I recall was the overwhelming feeling of apathy, and… The lack of emotions? These past couple of days have been rough, but I thought I had overcome the hurdle.
The hardest was behind me, everything had normalized. Everyone was happy, everything was fine. Yet, I do not, and cannot comprehend logically, what broke within me. What part of me snapped off, to yield such reverence to needing some sort of validation of others to make me feel less… alone?
Yet, those that are near me, are oversought, and taken for granted.
I don’t know what to do in regards to that. I do not know what to say.
Aimless, hopeless, in the void I’ll stay.
It brings me comfort, the husk. It is a safe haven that I can count on.
Today is another day. Another entry in the almanac. Will it be different? I don’t know. But i’m tired of trying. I’m tired of pushing through the sludge, and the toxic waste. I am tired of being hopeful that normalcy will be acquired.
Because even when everything is perfect, I break.
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