Itchy scratches and why my brain hurts in My Bad Thoughts

I cut myself today and I’m old enough to understand why self harm is bad - alright? Relax, I didnt do much, my cat scratches me deeper than that. I don’t know why I did it, I really don’t understand. Is it so that someone takes notice and asks me if I’m okay? am i doing it for attention? I don’t think so, I’d be so embarressed I’d wanna die. Then why? Maybe somewhere I feel like I deserve something bad, for something bad that i did? Okay so the market is shit and I’m having a real hard time landing a job, I’m fresh out of grad school, I’m fortunate enough that my family is looking after me but I feel shit about it. I feel like a waste relying on them this much and every time I make a stupid mistake, maybe in an interview or being careless, it costs me an opportunity, that I could have had, and that kills me - iT HUrts mY bRaIn. I know I can’t be too rough on myself, specially because I just need to focus and keep going right now. So that was all that which was going on my head when I spotted the eyebrow razor, and I just went for it. It kinda itches, its not that bad, it calmed me down too but i will not do it again.