I’m in my 40s and my life is a mess.
Disclaimer:
Before you read any further, you have been warned. There will be curse words in English and in my native language. There are elements of emotional and economic abuse as well.
You see, I have grievances that were never resolved despite my repeated pleas. You won’t understand what I am going through unless you have walked in my shoes or were in a similar place in the past.
Why did I not leave yet you ask? I can’t do that yet financially.
Did you ask for help? Yes. Yes I did. I asked people for help. I actually got help financially, this was the time he had Psychiatric check ups. But the help I so badly need is intervention in action: people pull him out of this house and place him in rehab somewhere, where he’s faraway and he can’t hurt us! This person have many issues. He’s destroying his family and he thinks it’s justified that he do this BECAUSE he’s not happy and he’s depressed. He WANTS people to go down to hell with him. Yes, he actually told me he HATES it when he sees people happy. So he makes sure to make everyone’s life a living hell!
18 years. It’s like a blink of an eye. My hair is turning gray.
It’s been 18 years, I’m trying to count my blessings, I’m trying to see the silver lining to everything. It hasn’t been easy.
People keep asking us, “Kamusta na kayo?” How are you doing?
You’re joking, right?
To be honest, I no longer want to answer that question. Especially when a family member is asking me about it. You see, you all know how we are doing.
18 years on, the person who I thought would be my teammate is a dead weight. Is he depressed? Yes. Is he doing anything about it? No.
Before you throw accusations about me not doing anything about it. Then try to live with him for 3 years. I bet you won’t last for a few months.
You see, I’ve tried.
I tried to convince him to go to therapy, this was during the time we “reconciled”.
During therapy, he claimed his feelings were valid. He kept excusing himself of the fact that he’s hurt people especially us, the people he is supposed to cherish! He kept saying that I should explain it to the kids!
How??? That is too much to take for kids who are minors! Explain and then what? Tolerate the abuse??? Grabe.
I think this was the third reconciliation. To be honest, I’m exhausted. I’ve lost all hope to have a stable and happy family life. If he’s the father, that is near impossible. The kids are growing fast and he’s still the same as he was 18 years ago.
It came to a point where I wish I never met him. I wish that I won’t meet him, ever again.
I really wanted to share my story. I really wanted to scream on top of my lungs that we need help! They knew! Everyone knew. We really sought for help in the past. But they didn’t do anything. It fell on deaf ears.
At this point, I really feel abandoned. We’re left to deal with him and his personality disorder alone.
I don’t need anyone’s judgement. Walk a mile in my shoes before you say anything.
When you’ve tried several times in the past and nothing worked. You realize the bitter lesson in life that you can’t, won’t be able to fix this person no matter how hard you try.
Do you want to know what kind of life we lived? I’ll enumerate it for you:
- If you’re not in the mood for sex if he’s in the mood, he’ll guilt you into doing it with him. Ang saklap lang, once he got it, he feels he has power over me already.
- If you give him an inch of your care or kindness, he fucks up everyone around him. How? He becomes his old self, mean. He’ll nitpick everything he sees, mag-uutos ng mag-uutos.
Example:
Hindi ko ‘yan pinggan, hindi ko huhugasan ‘yan.
Hindi ako gumamit ‘nung fan, hindi ko aayusin ‘yan.
Ikaw na gumastos ng pagkain niyo.
Hindi ko kalat ‘yan, hindi ko pupulutin ‘yan.
- You can’t depend on him when you’re emotionally down. If you’re down, he’ll kick you and he’ll make sure of it.
- When I gave birth to my second child, he constantly berated me and shouted at me for not having a job! I JUST GAVE BIRTH! STITCHES AND ALL! THIS ASSHOLE shouted at me EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!
- Wakes up in the morning to turn on his computer and proceed to work
- He only talks to you if he’s irritated about something: there’s a clutter on the floor. It’s right on his foot but he’ll tell you to go pick it up yourself or he’ll talk to you when he wants to scold you.
- If you don’t play his videogames or watch any of the shows he likes, you’re a “normie”. That’s right. What makes YOU special, asshole? Normie mo mukha mo! GAGO!
- He said I should pay for the kids tuition. I’m already paying for their food.
- At first, he kept denying that he doesn’t help around the house. Puta! Nuknukan ng tamad! When I calmly repeated it, he became quiet when I told him he’s living a fucking fucking good life. No responsibilities, just living as a fucking dead weight in this family. At this point, I don’t know where he’s getting the audacity to do this!
- He doesn’t believe in bad karma. (I guess it’s because he’s not getting bad karma yet, at this time.) The fact that he is challenging this? Best of luck, bro. Best of luck.
- You’ll see a glimpse of his charming personality whenever he’s speaking with a customer service agent (PLDT). I won’t be shocked if he doesn’t have a recording of him shouting and cursing anywhere in the internet. Bilog ang mundo.
- His former supervisor said hindi aasenso ang katulad niyang sinungaling. Would you believe that at the time, he asked me to speak with his supervisor instead? Why can’t he do that??? Out of “utang na loob”, I spoke with him dahil sa katrabaho ko (she personally knows the supervisor so I asked her if she knows any work he can take on). Dahil wala siyang kusang mag-apply, at dahil kailangan na niya ng work, kami na naghahanap para sa kanya. This was my mistake and this was his mom’s mistake. Hinding-hindi dapat sinasalo ang ganitong tao. Let him make mistakes. He should have been kicked out of the house and live independently kung dead weight lang. Again, no one budged.
- He insists in washing his own dishes.
- I already told him to move out of the house! As in lumayas na siya! Ayaw niya! Ayaw gumalaw! What am I supposed to do? Pagod na pagod na talaga ako! I wish he’d just leave.
There’s more, but I’m too spent to even add. This will suffice for now.
Silver lining? Huwag tularan.
Please, put me out of my misery. I’m exhausted!
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