So it begins... in Maybe Baby

I have been married for four years. Before we married we talked for a long time about having children and what we dreamed our family would look like. We decided that we would not prevent pregnancy but we didn’t want the stress of trying to conceive. The early years of our marriage were less than ideal for a naturally occurring pregnancy. First we worked opposite shifts. Then for almost two years we lived separately during the week and only saw each other on weekends. I could see the good in not falling pregnant. I didn’t want to be a single mom even though I was married and at the same time I didn’t want my husband to give up on his career goals.
During this time every single one of our close friends got pregnant and had a child. My heart literally broke when I realized that my close friends would have little girls that were all in the same grade and I wouldn’t.
This year, after the crazy that was our first three years of marriage, we have moved and settled in a new place. We are together, really for the first time in our marriage. We are happy, not that we weren’t before.
Because we haven’t had a pregnancy in four years of not preventing I thought it might be a good time to address the situation with my GYN. She asked if we were using any preventive measures and I said ‘no, apparently we just have bad timing.’ She said, ‘there might be more to it than that.’ Cue a whirlwind of testing. I had blood drawn that day and scheduled for an ultra sound and an additional blood test.
My results from the first blood test were all in the normal range. That’s a relief I suppose.
The ultrasound was Monday and the entire time I kept starring at the screen and holing back tears at the emptiness of my womb. I didn’t have some grand idea that they would find a magical baby hiding out in there. I just didn’t realize how hard it would hit me that it was empty. Then my doc had a consult with the fertility specialist in the office and they determined that they want to see me again, earlier in my cycle. Apparently I have some cysts on my ovaries. She made out like it wasn’t a cause for concern yet but that they want to look again.
As I was leaving she said, ‘make sure you guys just keep having fun. I’ve seen this before and lots of the women did get pregnant.’
So, here I am. Pouring my guts out to myself because I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about this. That’s more a reflection of me than them. I’m sure what would happen in real life is a rally of support for me. But, mostly I just don’t want them to see me as some sort of failure.
Hopefully, with more concentrated effort we’ll have a better chance of making a baby.