hello y’all
I’m here again, which means it’s been a while.
Nothing great or exciting to report. Quite the opposite, so why am I writing?
lol
Today we had a spur of the moment yard sale. We thought about it previously, but only a few days ago kind of previously. My husband was cleaning out the garage (since it’s been a terrible mess forever now) and this shocked me. Of course I offered to help him and we decided we needed to sell most of the stuff taking up the room in our garage.
We didn’t plan it out all that well but it turned out fine.
My husband actually made fun of me in front of a stranger today.
A woman who was shopping at this garage sale looked at me and asked a price of something. I looked for my husband and asked him.
He said I dunno, and then asked a few bucks for it.
Then afterward he looked at me and said, my wife won’t name prices anymore bc I got mad at her once for it.
I thought to myself, gee, thanks for airing it to the world dear!
I remember I even wrote in an entry about it, the last time we had a garage sale. It was a horrible day.
We had this dog door for sale. A woman asked how much and my husband was off getting change or something (leaving me to watch the garage sale and our 3 kids alone). We hadn’t previously discussed prices for anything we were selling so I called him on the cell. Over the phone he said 3 dollars.
The woman paid 3 dollars and said she would be back in a few hours to pick it up.
When my husband asked about it later, after getting home, I told him the lady paid me 3 for it. He blew up. He wanted 30 for it and I had misheard.
He was super angry, like why wouldn’t you know I wanted more for it and that it’s worth more than 3? I felt stupid and doubted myself from then on.
Plus he said I was selling everything else at far too low a price as well. He would just look at me and make noises after I’d tell someone a price. I stopped making sales after that and spent the rest of that garage sale inside, doing stuff I thought I might actually be good at.
So now, this time around, I don’t want to make the same mistake again and he makes fun of me for it. All day in fact.
At one point he asked me for a price, yet again -even though I told him I did NOT want to price anything- and I shrugged for an answer. He said, common, gimme something!
I shrugged again, not wanting to get into it with him in public, but darn, it made me mad.
The past few weeks he’s been saying he doesn’t feel loved. He will literally say no one loves him. Or he’ll ask me (often) if I still like him.
I don’t think he understands that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I keep my mouth shut. It’s not me giving him the silent treatment.
I even told him once, that is why I am quite usually, and he doesn’t apparently remember that.
Anyway, he wonders why I don’t talk that often to him. He wonders why he feels like no one loves him!
Well, when you make fun of your wife, mockingly say you’re going to spank your kids or even kill them, (in play, I know but still…), it’s no wonder people don’t show you tons of affection.
Just another thing my depression takes from our relationship.
My husband is the most touchy feely person ever. He loves to be hugged, back rubs, etc. (although not holding hands for some reason…idk) so when he doesn’t get enough affection from ppl, he gets grumpy.
Well when my depression makes me grumpy, I do NOT like to be touched.
Put us together, and that’s one bad combo.
Ah, the things we didn’t know or realize before we got married.
When we were at the Price Is Right taping, a twenty-something girl asked us if we regret getting married so young.
I’m not sure what our answers were but I know we both realize now how dumb we were. Too eager to get married, not enough knowledge of the world and how it works.
If you asked me about being niave when we got married, I’d say I wasn’t. Ben probably was, yes, but me at 22? no
well, I was. even though I didn’t think I was.
I also didn’t know my depression could get any worse.
yeah....
we had no idea about the world in general, about how relationships change bc ppl change, usually for the worse. We were only thinking about how happy we were with each other. That’s good, but we really didn’t think enough about what would happen when we hate each other and are stuck doing the hardest things we’ve ever had to do.
anyway, enough blabbering about how we were young and stupid when we got married. It’s only been 8 years since then.
I know I’ve changed a ton.
Poor Ben has it rough being married to me so I should show him some slack.
Last night he said I was being rude/mean to him.
I saw it as, if I don’t tell someone what they’re doing to annoy me, they’ll just keep doing it over and over again. that’s happened far too often in my life but I also know that the people we love the most are the people we hurt the most. I should have worded my complaints better.
I know my temper is so much worse when I’m not on any meds.
Did I mention I haven’t had any depression meds for months now?
yeah, next appointment isn’t for another 2 weeks and even then it’s not with a psychiatrist. Don’t wanna get me started on the system.
So I guess I’m writing today to gather my thoughts.
I realize at the end of every entry I write about tough times I’ve had with the hubby, that I always decide it must be my fault and I must try to be better.
I’m tired of this. I’m tired of always being the wrong one. I’m tired of always needed to fix myself.
I just want to be better already.
You know how you can cut your week or weeks up into peices, like on Monday you think about all the stuff you’ll do on the weekend so it’s easier to get through the week? Well I attempt that sometimes....hehe, and then I realize I don’t really have much to look forward to. I’m not good at this at all.
So here’s a little of my thought process after I’m having a hard time with my current situation:
Ok, you can do this. It’s only Tuesday, tomorrows Wednesday and the kids come home early from school…okay, not the best thing since it’s more stress for you… but after that is Thursday, and Thursday means.....another night of cooking, cleaning and the same ol same ol. Maybe husband will be actually present while he ‘s here.....but most likely he’ll be tired like usual…then there’s the weekend....ugh, more work and now I’ll be working around the house while I listen to husband complain and play his stupid Clash of Clans game. Ugh, no vacations coming up, no pay day near by, and even if there was, we don’t have money to waste, it’s only the middle of the month, can’t October be here yet? But what’s in October? Another holiday we have to spend money on that we don’t have. November? No family to spend Thanksgiving with. Nothing good going on that month either. December? Well, that’s the worst month since we have no money to start with, the kids will complain on Christmas Day when they don’t get all that they wanted and that’s after spending the whole month previous listening to them ask for everything they see for Christmas. Can’t wait for that. What’s after that? Who Knows, who cares? Can’t this life just be over yet? Never mind the month being over. It’s all the same shiz, month after month. I just want it to be done.
So I realize this is very low and sounds really depressing but this is my train of thoughts a lot of the time.
I don’t know why I am one of those ppl who depend on looking into the future for optimism. It is stupid. Must be something I picked up when I was a kid but it’s not doing me any favors now. I am reliant on the future for happy thoughts. That is a pity. I need to be self sustainable.
-me
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