Up All Night --- BOQ #12 Sunday, June 30, 2013
A lot of anger in this entry. Fair warning.
Ashley has me up all night. Not that I'm complaining. I like this girl a lot.
But at some point I got really worried. I still don't know if I want a relationship. I like being alone. I really do. I just believe that I am meant to be a loner. I really like it. I don't know. I just stress about people. I mean, by myself I don't have to worry about anybody else. Maybe I'm scared to get hurt. Maybe I'm selfish.
I'm so tired. I have work later.
I feel like maybe by being in a relationship I am regressing on my path to happiness. I felt myself becoming happier again with no worries. Happier by myself. Perhaps becoming emotionally unavailable but happier. Colder but happier.
Now by having a relationship I am reopening my heart up for hurt. I am so scared of being hurt that the possibility that happiness is possible doesn't cross my mind. Yes, I know I am a selfish prick but I don't care.
I do like Ashley a lot. So easy to talk to. She is so cool I almost feel paranoid its some joke that she likes me. I just don't get it.
I just feel panicked lately. The oldest trick in the book is over thinking but I fall victim to it every time. I think to much I stress and panic.
The Connecticut family comes down today. I will be at work. Thank god. I only care to see Grandma and Papou. Otherwise I feel no obligation towards and Jenn or my little cousins.
I am writing this while feeling incredibly tired and stressed. I am gonna break out.
I am at a loss. I am a coward. Sometimes I just want to cut off ties from everybody. Just so I don't have to worry about them. I know that doesn't make any sense to a properly functioning individual. I am a selfish coward.
Number 12 --- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
I would choose the mind.
I don't really need a youthful body. As a young mind you are more open to new ideas. More accepting of changes. etc.
I have always feared becoming a bitter old man. Complaining about the youth. Blah blah blah.
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