So I'm going to start transferring entries in my own personal journal onto here... Some of there are just rough drafts but they're me...my thoughts...they belong here.
When I see something and I want it, it becomes engrained in my mind, the conquest, the chase...it doesn't end until I've achieved what I've set my sights on. Sometimes this can be good, often times bad. When we have a characteristic that is a dominant trait that tends to border on one extreme rather then another it will often prove magnificent results, and other times disastrous results. It's how nations were built, wars won, love achieved, fourtnes built, and nations lost, wars lost, love lost, and fortunes squandered.
When do we tell the dominant characteristics inside us that we just need to walk away? When does the moment register that if we push forward, we forge ahead we will be the conquer of ashes....
I live my life so intensely so passionately, it's made me who I am...people will say they wouldn't take back anything because its brought them to exactly who they are right now...no one wants to stand up and say "I wish I had turned left instead of right, I wish I was someone entirely different then I am right now" the power of positive thinking...it can't be under-estimated. So of course we are going to stand proud, stand tall scream "this is who I am, I've made it this far because I've stuck to my guns I've conquered this much, I would not trade it" but I would...
I wont sit here and say that every decision every choice I have made has been a good one, has it led me to where I am today? Yes, am I happy with who I am? Yes, I am who I am it's better to live in acceptance of who and what you are and be happy with it then be constantly trying to be someone, something your not...
I would trade a lot of the choices that I made, for ones I didn't. If I could etech a sketch portions of my life I'd take certain things out and add different ones in. But the reality is, you can't so you have what you have...who you are right now is what you must go forward with, the choices that you've made, the decisions you acted upon, those are part of your canvas good and bad...You can paint over them and create something new, but taking them back is not a possibility.
I have a very real issue with letting things go, I tend to force the issue with things in this world, my mentality is fight forward, without resistance I am left clueless, as long as I have an adversairy I know what to do...but what happens when there is nothing or no one left to fight?
You end up fighting yourself, twisting every choice every descion into something much more then it needs to be...
Currently I am infatuated with someone, maybe it will turn into something, maybe it wont...but I am so dead set on the later, that I am continually forcing the issue, becoming someone I am not, and showing the person someone I am clearly not...
Why do I do this? Because I cant back down from a challenge, because I like her...Because I don't want to be alone, and because shes gorgeous...
But this doesn't set aside the fact that I become someone I'm not when I force the issue, I get put in place where I am trying to direct someone elses behavior, I am trying to combat the un-seen, the un-combatable forces... If I could would I even want to? No... I wouldn't but in the moment I can't stop and think consciously...if I keep pushing will I ultimately achieve the result I want?
This is so prevelant for so many things for so many people, we continually push because our fear of failure, our fear of being alone that we ultimately drive ourselves off the ledge... but why?
Probably a bit of compulsive obsessive behavior that our society breads...
I don't want to do this anymore, I want to be content every minute of every day, not reaching not worrying about my next achievement, my next love, my next stolen moment... We need to be honest with ourselves....truly honest with ourselves, it's where all the best work and results come from... the moments when we force something un-natural we achieve less then desireable results, we create something other then beautiful
being truly honest with yourself is not just looking in the mirror saying okay "I don't have hair, I don't look this way I do this etc" It's truly understanding what you do and why you do it, and accepting and letting god... it was supposed to be letting go...but maybe god has a place in this...It's letting go, and letting yourself have faith in something higher that everything will be okay as long as you are true and honest to yourself....
Ant
P.S don't be a grammar stickler with my entries... I am horrible...I just let it flow
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