I have a meeting with Dan in a few hours which is meant for “spiritual direction.” My initial reason for wanting to talk to him in place of Fr. Rey (while he’s out of the country) was crisis intervention when I was feeling so upset by everything going on with my family. Now that I’ve had some time and space with it, I’m doing much better on that front, and on all fronts, really. I’m getting to know people, starting to form more of a community, and not drowning in sadness and grief for the life I left behind in Japan. I’m doing better.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t get something out of talking with Dan. So let’s brainstorm. What are some possible topics we could discuss, which his two cents might be beneficial for me?
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Well obviously, my placement. I can always talk with him about which places seem to be a good fit. This time, I can discuss with him what Hady offered, which is for me to go with her to the women’s prison two Saturdays from now, to help her run her English class. If that is a good fit, I could always do that at the same time with any other work I end up doing.
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This is related, but, I could discuss with him in a grander sense, finding my purpose. I could ask him about how his path led him to where he is now with Maryknoll. I could talk about the many different directions I feel an interest in, and ask advice about how to narrow it down. I could discuss my strengths and weaknesses, and see what he thinks about where that could possibly lead.
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I could discuss deeper, my desire to connect my Catholic up bringing with my current belief system, and ask for advice on how to put them together. I could ask for resources about people searching, who don’t necessarily identify with Catholicism in an ideological way, but rather, in a community-based way. I could ask if he knows any writers I could pursue for further insight on this topic.
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I can, of course, bring up the family struggles again, but now that he has the back-story, I could focus more on solutions than the problem. And not necessarily a solution in terms of how to fix my parent’s marriage or how to fix my mom (both not my responsibility nor very possible), but how to find ways to make peace in my heart. I could ask Dan if he’s ever struggled with a primordial relationship in this way, and what were some ways he attempted to accept or forgive or make peace with that person.
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Possibly harder to bring up because of the personal, private nature of it, would be to delve into my own shortcomings and discuss ways of working on them.
–Insecurity: feeling like sometimes I say the wrong things at the wrong time and then fear judgement. I know that this is ego, and I know that this community is a safe place, but I still have those involuntary impulses. Also feeling like I’m not as smart or driven or passionate as other people here. Feeling like I’ve been lazy, selfish, and careless in some of my choices. Feeling like I have such a hard time motivating myself to do more than the bare minimum required to scrape by. And actually this is a whole other category;
–Apathy: I’m not actually apathetic, in my mind. In my brain, I really care about the things that are going on in the world; the struggles, the pain, the injustice. But then I find myself opting to get sucked into the virtual world of endless blogs and internet TV, rather than attempting to educate myself about these struggles, though I have so many resources at my fingertips. So the question I could ask Dan about this is, “How do you stay motivated?” How to connect the ideas of social justice and beliefs about how the world should work, to every day action. But maybe that’s not something someone can help me with. I probably just need to work harder to do this on my own.
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