I’ve gained weight. Totally. I have no idea how much and frankly I’m terrified to see how much once I go buy a scale after work today.
My weight has fluctuated since I was in college. I was really skinny, really big, and medium all within a few years.
I’m 5 foot 10 inches and I’ve gone from 210lbs to 148lbs.
And what I’m about to say is rather truthful and raw and mean.
My relationship with food is not healthy and it is not on a path to health, it is destructive and mean. I over eat, indulge, feel guilty about what I eat and how I look after I eat, I eat an abundance of sugar and find solace in the sugar. The sugar is a bad boyfriend (or what I think a bad boyfriend would be like). Sugar comforts me and makes me feel loved for the immediate time, but it does not satisfy me, it does not aid me in my overall health and it makes me feel ugly more often then pretty.
Even my Pinterest page is confusing. I post items like “8 minute abs” and “chocolate covered EVERYTHING”. I want to love food and enjoy the food I eat, but I often don’t.
I don’t know why I don’t enjoy it. Or why I post emotional feelings to food items or why I find so much comfort in food but then feel awful about myself and who I am afterward.
I read a magazine article that said “when you deem food ‘bad’ then the person who eats it will think they are a ‘bad’ person for having eaten that”. That’s exactly how I feel, almost constantly. It’s a little voice in my head and most people don’t know I feel this way after I eat.
So today, after talking with Novio (saying it out loud was awful) about my obvious weight gain. We came to a conclusion. No more sweets. No more carbs. And let’s keep track of how we feel emotionally and physically, and our progress. We are gonna blend our greens, eat more veggies, eat less of everything else. Now. This notion scared me. It meant I had to give up a thing I’ve thought was my security blanket, sugar was my mistress. I’ve given it up before, now I need to do it again. But more because I’m not healthy, and I don’t like the way I look. I understand I am beautiful, on the inside, but I don’t feel beautiful always on the outside. I feel this overwhelming uncontrolled feeling when it comes to my body, the food I eat and CRAVE, and how I look.
I want to love the way I look. Look healthy and feel healthy.
I want a better relationship with food. No more emotional eating.
I want to eat healthy.
Novio is such an amazing support. I believe with his support and his kindness and his strength I can make it over this hill. It’s more than just being healthy. I’m unlearning all I’ve learned about food and emotions throughout my life.
Let’s do this.
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