my former best friend’s wedding was yesterday. she and i had drifted apart after i left the job she and i had together and went to the census bureau. at that time she had just gotten engaged and i knew i was getting out of having to hear about it nonstop. she had made the decision to cut me out because i wasn’t involved/engaged/married so i didn’t fit into her pinterest life. i’ve lamented about it before so this isn’t new. a few months ago we started texting again here and there, enough that it felt like it used to be. she or i would see or hear something and would have to tell the other person. i don’t feel bad for not going to her wedding. or her bachelorette party, bridal shower, or engagement party. on top of being expected to provide a gift for each of these gatherings, she and her fiance/husband had a “honey fund” set up. as in you fund their honeymoon. where i come from if you can’t afford something you scale back and figure it out. i’ve been told i’m jealous, that i envy her finding someone and being happy. not in the least. i decided if i was going to be continually left out of things because i didn’t have a date, i’d take my business elsewhere and i did.
the idea of having a husband or kids confuses me. on the surface i am painfully independent and i like having my own money to spend how i wish. i like my space and peace and quiet, not having to be anywhere on anyone else’s schedule. there’s nothing wrong with this; i’ve come a long way in the last few years. i used to cry and spend so much of my time worried that no one wanted me and i would end up alone forever. now i’m okay with being by myself. but deep down (not even that deep) i am lonely. having a child would be terribly irresponsible of me since i have just enough funds for myself. plus that would mean a commitment with a man and that’s scary enough. i’m not so traditional that i would absolutely have to be married before i had a child; people raise kids without being married and everyone turns out okay. it’s just that i don’t like anyone enough to want to have a child and know they aren’t going to bail after the kid is born. i just can’t take that kind of risk.
today i sat down and focused on a balanced budget. my lease will be up in march so i’m currently entering my sixth month of it and if i had to today i wouldn’t renew. the rent is going up and i’m not interested in paying anymore than i am now for what i’m getting. between the terrible parking, the police being here more, the constant stench of cigarettes that invade my house, and the noise from inconsiderate neighbors (we’re talking beyond the realms of normal noise) i’d like to find somewhere else to live. i took a drive through a complex up the road from me, across from where my brother works actually, and i like it from first glance. clean, no junk laying around, plenty of parking for everyone. my building is stacked three high, those are only two so i feel like the noise would be different. i’m gonna call them tomorrow to see what’s what with availability and rent. not that i can anytime soon but it doesn’t hurt to start looking so come february i’m not running around trying to figure it out at the last minute.
in closing, being an adult seriously sucks.
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