I didn’t even realize people were reading these and responding. Thank you for taking the time. Ironically, I’ve logged on in exactly a month since posting my last entry. And equally as ironic, I’ve endured another one of life’s hurdles.
To preface, if you were holding out hope for a positive, cheerful return, you will be sorely disappointed. So I’ll be cliche and warn you to keep scrolling if the above matches your description.
Shall we start with me letting myself fall in love again and why I shouldn’t have? Or go straight to the me ending up in the ER because a friend of mine took advantage of me, if you know what I mean?
I guess we should start from the beginning. My best friend (we’ll call him Aaron) had told me a long time ago that he really liked me. But I wasn’t single at the time so I politely rejected his advances and he was a complete gentleman about it and didn’t overstep at any point and then he ended up in a relationship himself. Fast forward to me breaking up with my POS ex, I begin to hang out with Aaron and his gf (Devin we’ll call her) and we all become fairly close. We all looked out for each other and hung out quite a bit. I was happy to see Aaron happy, and Devin seemed decent…at first. And then she told me she didn’t love him anymore and wanted to get back w her ex bf she cheated on to be with Aaron to begin with. In more recent time, Devin cheated on Aaron and Aaron told me he had feelings for me and had them for a long time. We hang out, he reiterates that he has feelings for me, we hook up, we go to a concert I paid for, and I find out he’s talking seriously to another girl. Like, wifey-type shit. During the concert I paid for. So I fell in love a little bit and got my heartbroken. After I told myself I’d never fall in love again because of how I lost Blake. And that tore me up inside. I wanted to be reckless, I wanted to be someone I couldn’t recognize the next morning.
So two days after with no contact with Aaron, I get invited to hang out with my friend (Clay will be his name here) and a few of his friends. I’d already hung out with him before and it was completely fine. I get an uber and end up at his place and when I go in, I find he’s the only one there. He’s alone. Had he lied about his friends being there? Why would he do that? These questions whispered softly in the back of my mind while the loudest thoughts were about how Aaron had chewed up my heart and spit it in my face. Clay was absolutely plastered, trying to get me to drink and I kept declining. Then he put on two songs I recommended, we sang, and then he grabbed my face so hard, so fast that my neck cracked loudly. He didn’t even notice how rough he was being. I told him it hurt and he ignored me, and I turned away only for him to keep grabbing my chin, my neck, and pulling me towards him. I starting rationalizing his behavior, making endless excuses for his actions. Then he pulled me in and kissed me. I was so confused because I had already told him I didn’t want to do this and I was under the impression his friends would be here to play video games with and shit. But then I thought about Aaron, and I wanted to stop thinking about him, so I kissed him back. And then he grabbed me, and he wouldn’t let go. At this point, I wasn’t fully clothed anymore and he was doing whatever he wanted. I told him I wanted to go to bed, to go lay down and watch a movie and I kept saying all I wanted to do was watch a stupid movie (and at this point my phone service was off and I didn’t have money to get it refilled because I’d spent so much on the concert for Aaron). He put the movie on, and then he pulled me towards him again, this time choking me to the point I couldn’t breathe or make a sound. He wouldn’t let in, or let me go. And I just started thinking the best thing to do was accept it, do what he says (because I now was thinking about the several guns he claimed to own) and hope it would go quick. I was wrong. And I told him no a million times, I told him to stop, and he just pretended he didn’t know the meaning of the words for around five hours. I even ran to the bathroom, discovered I was bleeding, and returned dressed and telling him I was falling asleep and too tired. I pretended to fall asleep, he attempted to wake me once, realized I was probably asleep, and had his way with me. I said no several more times, told him I wanted to go to sleep, and he did whatever the hell he wanted.
I was in the ER for six hours after that, I missed over a week of work and am broke and bills and rent are coming up quick. Detectives are on the case and will be speaking to me and getting a more in depth report this week, and I work Tues-Friday. I worked Wednesday and Saturday and I struggled to focus and kept having panic attacks.
So if you were hoping my life suddenly got better, I’m sorry to disappoint. But I’m okay because I’m listening to Witchblades by Lil Peep (8D AUDIO) on soundcloud. Ooop now love letter is playing because I waited to finish typing.
On a more positive note, the concert itself was ethereal. If I could erase Aaron from the night, I can guarantee that I would have only good feedback. But the fact that three of the songs related to the situation between us and he was actively flirting w the other girl in between taking videos of the song he played for me the other night was kind of impossible to ignore.
I’m all over the place in this entry and it’s dreadfully embarrassing. I can usually write a coherent, eloquent enough piece. I will probably post twice today; the next entry might be more concise (I hope).
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