I did this.
I tried to communicate this in the past. I remember finding ways to communicate how I feel. I tried to understand him. I tried.
I was met with constant blame.
I was constantly compared to other people.
I was belittled. He said, I couldn’t do this and that. He said I was incapable.
It’s shocking how I allowed this happening in the past. My younger self sucked it up. Accepted it and wallowed in misery while he was thriving in belittling me.
The kids noted, “Daddy looks so different.”
As we sifted through old photos I’ve unearthed from the cabinet. I didn’t feel like keeping an album. It depresses me to see old photos and remind me of the traumatic years I spent in his family’s house.
He “looked better”. I thought. My heart sank because, I remember he had more control during that time. He had a stable job. He’s handling people.
I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to take care of the kids.
When we spoke about it, he said, “okay”, but he should be the one to decide or have a say on things. It’s shocking how it always have to have, “I’ll do this, but…!”, “You can do this, but…!”
There’s always a condition and more often than not, he always have the last say.
Days stretched to years. Everyday was blame, comparison, and nitpicking.
My depression was worsening.
His family sided with him. I expected this. They said, we should fix it. I asked for help when he threatened to beat up our son. His Uncle turned a blind ear. He said, “We should fix it.” (Ayusin niyo ‘yan!) They turned a blind eye.
I knew that if I run, they’d still support him and claim I should put up with it.
How can one fix a relationship with a person like this?
I tried.
I’m tired.
I don’t want to go through this for another 10 years.
I’m really tired.
I wish for me and my kids freedom from him. We want to be free and far away from him. We don’t want to go back to him, anymore. Not ever.
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