More about possible Autism Spectrum Disorder? in Very Deep Thots

More things I’ve noted down:

• I was bullied when I was 13. BULLIED! In school, I’d engage in bizarre behaviours when I didn’t know what else to do.

• Some people have thought “she doesn’t even speak.” Others have thought “she’s high on stimulant drugs.” (in actual fact stimulants calm me and reduce hyperactivity.) This is purely situational and not at all based upon “moods.” Sometimes, I talk incessantly when I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes, I stay silent when I don’t know what else to do. Very often, I find myself not knowing that to do. Is social interaction this hard for everyone? I’ve always felt like something might be “wrong” with me for not being able to do a thing that seemingly comes very naturally to everyone else.

• It’s very hard to be in groups. I don’t know how/when to jump in.

• I know I’ve got a habit of interrupting others, and this probably comes across as rude/selfish. I don’t do it on purpose, I do it because I don’t know how to jump in. It’s like everyone else is playing an elaborate game of jump rope, I attempt to jump in and get tangled and trip over.

• I don’t know how to start conversations or keep them going.

• In the midst of a conversation, I often feel panicked like I need to escape somehow and this probably makes me seem rude/disinterested.

• Thinking of things to say feels stressful and unnatural. I often pre-think of what to say, I need to prepare ahead of time and anticipate what people might chat about, prepare questions to ask. I mainly listen and ask questions, as this makes me seem interested and likeable (and I genuinely do think people are interesting!!!), but “conversational tennis” is incredibly tough.

• I’ve felt left out and lonely, a lot. I’ve blamed this feeling on various life situations and circumstances over the years, but maybe it’s just autism.

• But I don’t mind being alone, or doing things alone, going on outings and adventures alone. Social interaction is rather exhausting, you know? It’s often just easier to be alone.

• I can express myself quite easily in writing, not so much with face-to-face communication. I find it disorienting, I tend to talk “at” people and am prone to monologues, particularly if we get into one of my topics of keen interest.

• Not much awareness, “oblivious” to my surroundings – I’ll never forget a time in school when I got in trouble for “shoving” a teacher aside. Another time, recently, a lady at a funfair got angry with me for “shoving” her. Both times, I hadn’t realised - I didn’t shove anyone out of selfishness or malice, I just didn’t notice my surroundings (to be fair, I also assert myself in crowds - but I don’t maliciously shove others)

• If a topic interests me, I must know all that there is to know. However, my interests are wide-ranging.

• Most of my meltdowns have to do with being overstimulated. I feel attacked, invaded and want to break out and run. Fluorescent lights, bright sunshine, electronic whining noises, bars and nightclubs, strobes, loud music, claustrophobic situations, textures, drive me nuts. It’s fight-or-flight. I don’t have screaming fits anymore like I did when I was a small child, but I still feel a strong need to get away from it.

• Utter, absolute lack of fear when I was a child. I was always trying to kill myself in various creative ways back in those days – I was the sort of child who’d just do anything…I fell 3m from the balustrade in front of our house whilst pretending that I was Shannon Miller one time. Miraculously, I’ve only broken ONE bone ever, and that was my clavicle, and I did that trying to crawl along the top row of bunks in a sleeper coach a la Spiderman.

• Constant movement - constant, still, to this day. Pacing, jumping, twirling, etc, etc. I don’t get up out of my seat and run all over the room during business meetings, but I’ll still tap my foot or pick at my skin or tap my pen or fold paper or doodle or anything else I can do to keep moving.

• Yeah, I was a ballet dancer but I’m also horribly uncoordinated. In fact, this has been a big running joke with everyone all my life “How are you a ballet dancer and still so clumsy?” Just last night, I bent over with a plate of dinner and all my lasagna slid to the floor. I’ve always been clumsy, like those people in infomercials who struggle and fumble with basic tasks.

• Hyperactive, inattentive, impulsive behaviour 100%. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD for years and was your textbook “hyperactive child.”