I didn’t even make it a week before I needed to see you again. It was an extremely stressful week for you, but just a week nonetheless. I felt very present today. I woke early and was productive. I did a light workout and some stretching. I can see my body composition changing from the diet changes and workouts. I was ready to handle any conflict with the ex-wife. In that state of presentness, I asked myself a question. Why do you want to see her so badly? That question was triggered by a creeping guilt that I could possibly make things more difficult for you by trying to see you.
No overthinking or intrusive thoughts, just my mind running through rationalizations and emotions and my deeper subconscious scanning it for truth. Two things passed through that truth filter. The first is that I was so anxious about your safety that I think I need to physically see and touch you to truly calm those concerns, even if I rationally know you are fine now.
The second is that the love I feel for you is new territory in its strength, reciprocation, and composition. The “I love yous” you get from me are different from any other time I’ve ever said it. It starts in my chest. It feels like raw emotion. I’m pretty certain I’ve said it more to you than I ever did the woman I was married to for 13 years. I’ve also heard it from you more and with more sincerity than I ever did from her. I want to see you because I love you and passing up any chance to see you feels like a wasted opportunity. And that the only reason I’m even able to articulate my want/need to see you, something I really want, is because I trust being able to disclose that to you without judgement, and trust you to make the decision that works best for you. Even if time is limited, seeing you at all is better than waiting to see you again and we have enough waiting to deal with already.
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