It was interesting yesterday, going through my old Opendiary. It was kind of sad. The content wasn’t sad, but I know myself well enough to know that to be writing that prolifically I was in a dysregulated state. But as I started doing key word searches of the diary, I was not returning any of that dysregulation. Reading that its my birthday but there was no birthday sex from my wife with no mention of my reaction, why, how it felt, or anything else is telling in retrospect. I was mindlessly documenting the mundane. There were glimpses of emotion but I didn’t see much. Also the diary wasn’t my REAL diary. That had gotten deleted long ago when my now ex-wife hacked into my diary. A diary that I had been writing in for almost a decade before I met her. A diary definitely full of you. I panicked and deleted it once I realized she had gotten into it but had no idea how much she had seen. Once again it was telling that she didn’t bring up anything she read and there was a lot there. My original diary was raw and emotional and documented a very lonely, sad, and painful time in my life.
The second diary that she knew about was sanitized and clinical. My true stream-of-consciousness uninhibited writing long gone. Overall I felt a sense of wasted time reading through my old diary. When I look back and try to think of what time period would I go back to where that marriage was great and we were happy together, I’d struggle to identify a time period. All I could think about is the children we had together. That sense of sadness was a sense of lost time.
However, that sense of lost time only solidifies my feelings for you. I’ve lost enough time with the wrong women. I won’t waste any more. Limited time with you is better time spent than having every day with the wrong person. Loving you and being loved by you generates a sentiment that feels like the opposite of that sense of lost time, fulfilling.
I don’t know what that first meeting with you did to me, but I don’t recall having such a positive outlook. Even that touch of sadness only served as further proof to me that finding you is a once in a lifetime type of love.
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