Hi, I’m new to prosebox and I’ve never ever done anything like this before but I felt like I wanted to tell someone what I’m feeling. I don’t have anyone to talk to even to my friends I can’t admit stuff like this. I just think it’s too personal and I don’t know what they’d think of me. So I’m doing it anonymous.
so the thing about me is that I’m really introverted and that’s an entirely different thing from being shy. If you got to know me, I’m really fun and exciting but Im never like that when u first meet me because I’m just really scared of what you’d think of me and i basically build my entire life on what other people think of me and I just have this sick need to make everyone like me so I always second guess what to say and I’m afraid of doing stuff because I feel like everyone is judging me on everything I do and I’m so scared and uncomfortable around people. I just don’t know what to do or say. It feels like being trapped in a fucking bubble and I really just don’t want to live like that anymore. But really how the fuck do u stop being shy. Because everyone in your life has basically defined you as “the quiet one” so if u just change and be confident, start swearing, start joking around. It’s so weird. To other people it seems like you basically changed your whole entire personality when in reality it was my personality all along and the shy girl was never real. So I’ve been having doubts about everything. I mean I just don’t know what to do with my life after this cuz I’m not smart, not pretty, not funny, not confident, not sporty (like I’m so scared to just throw a ball because I feel like I won’t throw it far or catch it and I’m just gonna embarrass myself in front of everyone) and not talented. I’m just normal, if not less and I don’t know my self worth is just going down and I feel sad all the time and I listen to sad music to cry and to feel better or feel something. And like I’m not even really kind too. Im kind not for my sake but so that people like me and think highly of me. So the shy kind quiet girl is ok cause your nice. But I’m not that kind of person really. If I wanted to make friends it would be like to just stop caring if they like me or not and just stop giving shit but I don’t know how to just do that. I find the easiest way is to just find someone who’s more shy than me but often times they’re just too quiet or too nice and I don’t relate to them or they don’t like me and end up being friends with someone else. And I’m really really scared of confident people cuz I feel like they’re just so intimidating but I also admire them so much for being able to express themselves and not care and not think about what’s gonna happen and just do. There’s this girl I don’t know in my class called Sophie and we just started school again and it’s a new year and I’m freshmen in high school and I don’t really know that many people only the people from last year so they all know I’m shy and shit. And Sophie’s just so confident and I wish I could be like her. She’s good at everything and really pretty. And skinny. And so cool and I was so scared to make her dislike me and I just felt the urge to make people like me again like last year with this girl named Chloe last year. I really wanted to be her friend. She was quiet and also pretty pretty and I wanted to be like her, maybe I just stick to people I think I want to be like. I spent so much time tryna impress her and I kept thinking plslikemeplslikemeplslikeme over and over again and we weren’t best friends but she’s one of my friends now. Ultimately, I found other friends and eventually stopped trying. But Sophie is so intimidating, she’s so scary and she seems popular and I saw her today rolling her eyes and joking around with a girl who was really sassy and again really pretty and we were in an elevator to go to class and I felt like I’ve never seen someone like that before. She was also talking to the seniors and genuinely not scared af and how tf can someone be that confident and they seemed to be invested in the conversation too. Growing up I’ve read books and movies about mean popular people and confident stuff and high school cliches but I’ve never imagined that life to be my life. I never thought I’d find someone mean and confident and not afraid who was a girl who was so much better than me and I felt so nervous and anxious and they were so scary and I was so scared. She’s good at everything and I’m not good at basically nothing. Even Chinese and I was born in china and I moved to Singapore and that’s basically my go to excuse for being terrible at it but that’s not true and I know I could have been better if I tried. Idk I just don’t like Chinese. I just feel like I want everything to be related to English and to me Chinese is just like if sophie and everyone else were to laugh at me and scream in my face. And I just suck at it and I don’t know any words or how to pronounce them and today in class I felt like I didn’t understand a word they were saying and everyone was so good at it and they could talk for so long and I knew I was gonna embarrass myself if I start speaking and not understand how to read a word or a hundred or two. And the teacher also started to call on students and asked them what they thought about the books and I remember I was so nervous and scared and scared and scared and I felt so sick to my stomach and my legs were shaky and numb and I really didn’t know what I was gonna do if the teacher asked me a question. She didn’t. but I kept thinking what if she did cause eventually she was going to and that eventually will come one of these days and i just wanted to run of that classroom but that would draw attention. I just wanted to disappear and forget everything. I just don’t want school and classmates and life and I know it’s gonna get worse and I shouldn’t care about it cause I tell myself that all the time, “Be confident. Like they’re just random strangers. You’ll know them for a year and they can brutally judge you for one year and then after that you can just leave and start again so it’s gonna be fine.” But one year is so fucking long and idk if I can survive that for even one second. I just really don’t want school and I wanna go back. And I hate change so much because I feel so scared of not being able to come back from it. Like if something happens and I can’t grasp back on life and be okay again. I don’t want to be scared and change is a reset button for me and I have to be scared again because I don’t know what’s gonna come and i want to know what’s gonna happen because I need to prepare myself and if I don’t get to be prepared i feel like everything has gone wrong and I feel super nervous like today. And I don’t know how I can survive the next 364 days without embarrassing myself especially in front of this guy in my class who I might like. I mean when I first sat next to him last year I didn’t feel anything towards him and I felt really disappointed and sad cause I was separated from one of those friends I actually let into my life and helped me a lot and was my coping strategy in life basically. He was super loud and I was super quiet. And I wasn’t smart but he was and I guess he was just lazy and since i was decent in school he copied my work and I let him because I can’t say no because I’m stupid and also I felt like if I did it I could get help from him and we would be even. But I never really went all out confident and just shoved my face in his book or grab it and just straight up copy it like he did. I just did it sneakily and my eyesight is really bad so I didn’t see what he wrote and his handwriting is so bad I could not see and I really wanted him to write bigger I mean why is that so hard? 😒 I didn’t like him at the time but my other friend sat in front of me so it was okay I guess. Then one day he helped me I guess and I expected him to be sassy or loud or idk bold like he always was but then he was kinda quiet and soft about it and patient and it was so different and I was shocked because I’ve never seen that side of him and idk I just started to relate my entire life story with his and I do that to pretty much everyone I know except for my bsf. So my story for him was that he liked me ig bc he was like me before then he just stopped trying and embraced himself. It’s bullshit now obviously. Now my story for him is probably that he has a brother and maybe he’s compared to him so many times and it’s a lot of pressure if it was like that I don’t know how he was able to do it and not completely break down. And I think boys just have it easier than girls because the boys just stick together and they have each other’s backs while the girls are nice and all but we’re just not like that.
I just want to turn back time and go back to last year. Everything was just perfect and I just knew everything was okay and I just wasn’t scared. I don’t want to be scared anymore like I wanted to be like him. Up until that point, I liked four guys. First guy, I liked for a few months and I just built everything around him like he maybe secretly liked me but then I realized he didn’t and it wasn’t gonna happen anyway but it’s not like I’m gonna just walk up to someone and say I like them because that’s bullshit and I don’t have the fucking confidence to do that. Then I liked this other guy but then I realized how mean he really was and I just didn’t want to be like “obsessed” with someone who was rude cause I don’t want to put up with it (did that sound rude? Ig I’m rude then) And then there was this guy from my CCAs and I liked him idk why he was cute ig but now he’s in my class and I stopped crushing on him cause he was just boring (that’s MEAN omg stop being so mean Anya ) and he didn’t give me those butterflies and now that guy, the one I sat next to, he was basically perfect and I keep all those little moments we actually talk or if I just see him close to me because we don’t see each other often now since he’s in another class. And I just really liked him, I liked his attitude and how he has the sass to just scream something random in the middle of class (I kind of think he’s gay but idk) and I loved that little part of him that cared about people and helped them, I liked him for being loud and being soft too and I really wanted him to like me and now I guess I’m just gonna embarrass myself not being able to speak Chinese in class and the teachers not gonna like me and I’m gonna suck at chinese and get a bad mark and then everything’s just gonna be shit.
End of diary? I hate my life so much and I wanna sit in my bed, cry and listen to my 8 hour long Spotify sad music playlist. And also eat ice cream and get fat again and hate myself again and feel insecure again.
Fuck me.
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