I’m feeling blah. Desperate. Sad. Lonely. Piteous.
I need a new start. I need a new house, a new life, a new job (CAREER) and a new significant other, and a new everything.
You Know Who has bee driving me COMPLETELY insane. He woke up in a pissy mood this morning and went on a rampage, swearing at the kids and screaming at everyone, stomping around and throwing things and just being horrid and miserable. At like 8:30, I took the kids and we left the house.
We didn’t actually have anywhere to go, but we had to get the hell out of the house. We stayed out till 11. I dropped Kasin off at his grandma’s (Corey’s mom) and hung out there for a while. Milo and I went to JoAnn’s to shop the $1 Deal Bins for Bday gifts for Kasin’s buddy Johnathan, whose bday party is today at 2:30. Terrible timing, because I would love to take a nap when Milo is napping this afternoon.. but oh well. Johnathan and Kasin have been pals since preschool, so like.. 6 years. We never miss his birthday! I only had $8 to work with, cuz Kasin’s school pictures are the day before I get paid (ugh) and I put my card info on the paperwork, so that’ll need to actually go through. lol
We found him some cool Ninja Turtle crafty things in the Dollar Bins- a $3 “sketch kit” with a couple TMNT pencils, a pencil sharpener, a pencil bag, and two different sizes of sketch books with TMNT covers, and an eraser. We also got him a book of TMNT stickers for $1, a $1 Paper Airplane book that comes with patterned papers to make into planes and instructions for different kinds of paper planes… and a TMNT painting booklet that came with paints, and something else.. uhm… maybe they were the little cardboard TMNT characters that you colour, pop out, and play with. Kind of like paper doll style? I dont recall. Lol.. mostly everything was $1, though. Milo picked out a little plaster racecar magnet to paint, and a wooden dinosaur that you paint and build so it can stand and you decorate it with stickers when you’re done. Everyone was happy.
We drove out to Bubb’s to see him, but he wasn’t home and his door was locked (very strange!) so we ended up coming home at 11. Mr. GrumpyPants was in a much better mood when we got back, and had cleaned Milo’s room and a bit of the kitchen. He played with Milo once we got home and acted happy to see him. He’s been nice since we returned. He was sorta bent out of shape about us leaving, but I made it clear that we were escaping his ass hattery. So hopefully he learned from that experience. (Doubt it.)
He was mostly irritated because Milo got up at 6am and we stayed up late last night cuz Shelby came over to hang out and we watched Mean Girls. I’d never seen it before, and clearly I’ve been wasting my life. Ha.
Anyhow. I really want to move. October is dividend season, and we are ridiculously far behind on our rent at the moment. Like, 6 months worth of rent. Dividends are supposed to be nearly 2k per person this year, which is amazing, because last year they weren’t even a grand. That means that me and the kids will get enough “free money” out of it to pay off the backed rent. I’m not going to, though. Ross is the one who hasn’t paid his half of rent for the last YEAR. I’m either getting my van fixed or buying a new vehicle… I’m going to use probably one of the dividends (I don’t get very much of mine) towards rent, and let Ross use all of HIS dividend for rent, too. Then we can catch up on the last little bit out of paychecks.. honestly, by the time dividends come out, we might be more caught up on rent and then just the $4k from Ross’s and one of the kids’ dividends should/could take care of it.
I’m thinking that the kids and I will look for a cabin in October, something with a big loft bedroom that we can either all share or that just the kids could share and I’ll put my bed in the “living room” area and just use it as a couch. It’ll be tough going, because 90% of the cabins around here are “dry” cabins, meaning they dont have running water… we’ll have to figure out something for showers and laundry. We can put a water tank at the sink for dishes and cooking, and one in the fridge for drinking water. Most cabins have outhouses, but I would probably get an incinerating toilet if our cabin didn’t have one, because NONE OF US are going to be going all the way outside at -40 or -20 in the pitch black to use an outhouse. SO THERE. lol They make incinerator toilets that just burn up the waste into an odorless ash you can dump into your trash. I’m thinking that’s an awesome plan. A lot of cabins around here have them already, but if ours doesn’t, we can get one. I priced them out on Amazon but I haven’t looked at the local stores. I’m pretty sure that Sportsman’s Warehouse would carry them.
I feel like I can’t decorate, I can’t clean, I can’t have a lazy day, I can’t go out when I want to, I can’t let the kids do fun things, etc. We had a movie night on Friday to celebrate the end of the first week of school for Kasin and Daycare for Milo and Work for Me… we watched Bee Movie and had pizza, smores, italian ice, popcorn, hummus and pita chips.. it was super awesome! Ross whined the whole time because the kids were destroying the bedroom. And he kept saying things like “Well if YOUR children could just LISTEN, EVER, to ANYTHING! It wouldnt be so bad!” etc etc. Just horrible. He can’t even let us enjoy anything or have any fun. It was a special occasion and he had to be a huge asshole about it. He even insisted that we couldn’t have TWO movies because it would last all night. So what?! The Bee Movie was over at 7:30ish, we could have watched another movie and been done before 10.. then maybe the kids would have slept in past 6:30am on Saturday. >:(
Sometimes I actually WANT to just hang out with them all night and have fun. I guess that’s not allowed. He just complains about everything and argues with me about the stupidest shit and turns things that don’t matter into big fat ordeals. I’m so sick of it.
At the same time, I think I need to up my dosage for my Prozac. I’ve been especially tired and depressed lately. I know some of it is circumstantial, but it’s more than that. I never want to get up, I could sleep ALL day, EVERY day if they kids would let me, and I don’t want to do anything, ever. I’m just sulky and sad and self-pitying and hateful. I want to nap forever. And so off I go, to nap for an hour. sigh!
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