August so far in First post... Current status

So much has happened. Not even sure I can be bothered to write about it but here's a try. Went home for a brief visit. It was an overall positive and happy time but it made me feel even more homesick. I never thought I'd say this but I miss not having adult responsibilities like paying rent or worrying if we will have enough money for the bills. The move really opened my eyes and now I know how my parents must feel. No wonder they're always on edge and worried. No wonder it's hard to juggle. I live alone and on occasion 2 other people who make a mess and leave but it's exhausting... Then there's my parents. I much bigger place than mine, 6 people, 3 pets, one income... A mortgage. Bills. How do they do it? I'm experiencing the worst anxiety I've ever had, unable to sleep, then sleep walking... Mum is convinced someone put an evil eye on me. This bad luck just seems to follow me. First the car and the rego. Then myki card was faulty so I copped a fine, my boss embarrassed me yet again, then made me ball my eyes put in the 'glass office' I'm certain everyone had seen it. It lasted a whole hour. As embarrassing as it was I felt better having said what was on my mind and chest... Even though I know she only said the things she said so HR wouldn't pull her up on it but it made things easier on me. Now she knows I plan on leaving too. So maybe she will ease up a little. She's a massive bully and everyone knows it... But nobody is willing to stand up and defend themselves... Even though I cried I know I went further than anyone of them would think to go. I was so afraid and felt physically ill but I went anyway. Filled mum in on some things last night and she is convinced that all this is happening because I have given up my 'religion' I told her... And I will always tell her that religion as such is not for me. I don't believe someone can tell me the 'correct' way of believing in a God. I do believe... In my heart I know a greater power exists but I will not go to church to prove my beliefs... Besides no religion is truly right for me. A part of me was aching hearing my mum tell me that maybe God is trying to warn me to be a better believer... To go to church and say a pray... I don't believe that.. God would never turn his back on anyone, a believer or not.. Isn't he supposed to be good? Devils are for evil? Right? I don't know.. This is confusing and I'd rather not know. Just wish my luck would turn.. I desperately want to be happy. Why can't I just be happy? I don't smile anymore... I don't laugh... Not like I used to anyway. I'm noticing it more and more each day... A black shadow just following me everywhere I go. Why me?! I've always tried to do the right thing! I've always tried to put others first... Why doesn't the universe acknowledge that? I feel like I need to do an extreme act of kindness to even begin to turn it around.... But if that's my reason that's selfish and not genuinely true... Although I have wanted to do something meaningful with my life for a long time.. I'm a mess and so confused... I need guidance. I speak less and less with Joe too! Things are weird in my life...