I've developed a strange defense mechanism. It started when I was young, real young, child-like. It came from a stupid need for me to keep my parents' approval while also staying safe and sane.
And given I grew up Catholic, I adopted a modified What Would Jesus Do? mentality. My brothers and I share this.
It's a... What would you do in a given situation? thought process. So. For example. If a person says he'd not tolerate something, say, canceling a hangout for last-second girlfriend plans, I tend to treat that person the same way. "He doesn't want me to change plans, last second, when my girlfriend needs a shoulder." So I either don't cancel plans or distance myself from my friend.
I usually distance myself from the friend. Why? Because it's easier than juggling around what everyone else wants all the time while I'm planning strategy for something. Wastes too much time. I spend too much energy keeping myself in the "right" or "safe."
I think this is part of why Bethany's leaving me. I had a "What Would Bethany Do?" mindset that, well, had a few double standards. She couldn't see what I would do--which is basically anything, really, as long as I'm safe--and I couldn't tell what she would want me to do.
Emily, too. The moment she said, "I wouldn't do __ for you; why did you do it for me?" was the moment I started separating myself from her. Along with the twenty or so things she said she'd do but didn't, or said she wouldn't do but did. One short trip and she racked up a whole slew of "I can't be safe with her" moments.
So what does this mean? Nothing right now. Absolutely nothing. I'm fucking alone, few friends, few people I can trust or count on, and I'm dealing with six kinds of disaster with my life. What would Tom do? What would Phillip do? What would Martin do? I don't know.
It's a screwed up system. I know it is. It's not fair to the people I hang around. At the same time, it's totally fair, which is why I do it. Would YOU use a blinker on a right turn green light? But I'm a fucking mess so every time I see someone do something that they shouldn't (due to an assumed "What would you do?" Mentality AND NOT a reality) to me, or to a situation I'm directly involved in, I hurt to the core and want to cut away, separate, detach, remove myself. But the fucking problem is there's no where else to remove myself to. I'm afuckinglone. There's nothing else here for me to go away to. I just hurt. And I'm hurt by people because I grew up with a crazyshit mom who did everything on emotion and a lawman father with too many self-righteous rules for me to avoid.
I hate this. I hate this every day. What started out as a really sound mechanism for handling relationships, friendships, has now turned into this strange super-sensitive thing where all I do is stare at people who were once my friends and wonder who changed. It was me. I changed every damn time. And nobody else looks at me and says the same thing. They don't go, "Hey. What would Chris do in this situation?" Because they're stable/unstable enough (however you want to look at it) to say, "THIS IS MY CORE BELIEF SYSTEM. I AM BEING TRUE TO MYSELF."
The truth is I'm ultimately very comfortable with myself on the inside. I like this system, most of the time. I like it because it allows me to respect everyone else on a level that most can't. I just can't stand it right now because I want to be alone--AM alone--and I want to be taken care of. I can't. I'm an adult. My heroes are dead. My friends are in other states. I have a dead end job with no dreams.
What would Chris do? When it comes down to it, I'd fight to the death every time. For anyone close. And the moment someone else doesn't show that, I close up and go away. It's not fair. It's really, really fair. I shouldn't fight to the death for anyone but me. I should fight to the death for those who would do so for me. It all fits. Even now, I can't make a goddamn decision. I should never fight to the death for anyone. Because ultimately we're a bunch of people working to better ourselves, and if I don't take care of myself, who will?
And depending on how you look at it, I AM taking care of myself. I just don't want to. I don't want to say, "You failed," and turn my back. I don't want to say, "You don't hold up to my standards for myself," and walk away. From anything.
I hate who I am tonight. I hate who I've been for the past three months. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate putting my soul and trust into someone who could just, fucking, leave without warning. Without real reason. Leave me broken and alone because she "wants more."
I don't want simple. I want wholesome. I don't want easy. I want fulfilling. I want to waste my time on the fucking rose, so the rose is that much more important to me. I want to share memories and not waste them. I want to be safe. I want to find someone willing to just fight for it. Why is this such a hard thing to attain? Why is this so impossible for me to find? Eleven years of my life dedicated to two people, and neither of them had a clue as to how to make this work.
I have to be fucked up in the head to have such an expectation from anyone. I have to be. I have to be mentally unstable to expect a person, no matter how long she's known me, to look me in the face and say, "I'll do what you'd do." And what I'd do is go to the ends of the earth.
I'm really, really tired of trying. Right now, I don't deserve anything. I deserve suffering, loneliness, and all that bullshit that comes with failure. I've failed myself. Again. Again and again. I trusted the wrong person, again. My system doesn't work. I'm not willing or able to fight for anyone right now, and therefore I shouldn't. Expect. Anything. From. Anyone. Ever. Not until I can roar at the brick wall and tear my nails climbing over it.
Nice. Guys. Don't. Get. Shit.
And I can't seem to figure out how to change it. This is a core process. An internal thing that I'm not even aware I'm doing. I can't rewire without traumatic experiences. I can't figure any of this out. I'm lost, confused, afraid, alone, and raging at myself.
Fuck.
Loading comments...