So as I mentioned in my last entry, I am the mom of two teen age daughters. They are the lights of my life and I love them with all of my heart. They are both also my biggest life challenge, my biggest frustration and the root of my currently diagnosed high blood pressure. They both go to the same high school, but you wouldn't know it. Schedules are almost opposite of each other. When one needs to be at school at 7am, the other doesn't need to be there until 8 or 9. One is in Drama and the other is in marching band. There have been instances where they are both at an event at the same time. I really hate having to make choices like that. I love being at all their events and I despise missing any, especially marching band competitions being the ultimate prior band geek myself. Being new to the area last year, it can be said that last year was a year of adjusting, learning and much overwhelming frustration on my part. On top of working from home for east coast clients which means getting up at 5:30 to be available at 8:30 east coast time, I became personal assistant, bank and taxi to two very demanding and entitled teen agers. Now don't get me wrong, I do understand that is somewhat normal. I just don't remember this happening with my son as a teen. In fact, had my son acted even a fraction of ungrateful my daughters were displaying, there would have been hell to pay. I never worried about whether he liked me at the time for some reason. I gave him what he needed. Most of the time I gave him more and I had no problem taking away when the evil monster of entitlement reared it's ugly head. Course with him, I didn't see that very often. While I often describe my son as so hard to raise as a little one, he was a great teen ager with a few issues here and there. So maybe this is my time of paying my dues with the girls. In any case, it's been a challenge.
So to be more specific to the point of my entry today, last year was a year of driving. Driving kids to school. Driving them to activities, Driving friends home. Driving and picking p from significant other's homes. Picking up from school. Driving back to school. Driving to the store and basically driving to and from anywhere the girls needed or what eventually turned into demanded. If I wasn't ready when they were ready to go, I got attitude. If they had to wait 5 minutes for me to get to the school, I got attitude. And in return, I would often have to fight traffic, fight finding a spot to park just to wait up to 15 minutes for the princesses to saunter out of the school, their boyfriend's house, the mall or wherever I was picking them up from. Mornings were consistently a yelling fest. While I was yelling that I wanted to leave by a certain time, I would inevitably be leaving 10 to 15 minutes after I requested due to one or both of them getting up late or not getting ready on time. "Hold on Mom!!!! Chill out! I'll be there in a minute!!!!!" I would hear as I would literally boil over in the car and ultimately start throwing my own version of a screaming tantrum much like a 3 year old not getting a toy they wanted in the store. It was getting embarrassing, exhausting and it was definitely not effective in getting them to do what I needed in order to keep my sanity or self respect. After many months of wondering what I was doing wrong and fighting with my husband who called me an inconsistent push over, I started realizing that he was probably right. I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. UNTIL....a moment of revelation presented itself in the last week of school.
One of the senior friends of my younger princess came to our house after school to hang out. Here mom was due to pick her up at 5 and was going to text her when she was in the area. As this particular senior was using our bathroom, I heard from the door yelling. "Mom, I'll be out in a minute! I'm in the bathroom! Ok! OK!!! I'm wiping! I'm coming now! Please don't leave me! I'm sorry!!!!" She bolted out the door saying her quick goodbyes and thank yous yelling "Mom!! I'm right here!!" I looked at my younger daughter with a cocked head and questioning look. "Ya...if she's not right there to get in the car when her mom is ready to pick her up, her mom will just leave." "REALLY??????" I said a bit sarcastically and methodically. Hmm...I thought 'So that's OK??'. It never even dawned on me. "MOM...." my daughter said looking concerned. "Don't even get any ideas." "Why? That's an awesome idea! And this is from the same mom you say is so cool cuz she said you shouldn't be taking the bus?" Inside I was rubbing my hands together like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons murmuring "eeeggggssselllent...." . I don't know why, but hearing that another mom that was for the most part viewed as an awesome person by the teen cult, gave me just the permission I needed to exercise and enforce my first set of boundaries. The universe had opened and answered one of my questions. How do I stop yelling in the morning?
On to today, it was my first test of this new morning structure. I had been telling the girls for the last week that 6:30 is the latest they needed to be in the car. SIX THIRTY! Not 6:31...6:30. If I am up and ready to get them to school, I expect them to be ready for me to take them to school. I was feeling strong and confident. At 6:00am I woke up my older daughter. "Get up. I'm not kidding. 6:30. I am leaving the garage at 6:31. " She is usually the culprit of the morning delay in the past. I hear my younger daughter up and in the bathroom. She is usually the law abiding one. Always on time and ready to criticize her sister. 6:10...I go into my older daughter's bedroom to use her bathroom. She is still in bed. "Dammit! GET UP!!!!" I'm almost yelling. Then I have to talk to myself, "Nope...I'm not going to get upset. If you have to take the bus to school just know that you will be grounded if you are late. I am not going to get upset." "Mom stop! Get out of my room! I'm getting up!" "Just for the sass, I'm peeing in your bathroom." "Really Mom?" "Yep" as I drop my drawers and squat on her toilet door wide open. "Ahhhhh....." "UH....you are so weird!"
At 6:25 I sit at my desk to check email one last time before my chauffeur job. 6:27...."Mom...can you get in my email and print some pictures?" My younger daughter is standing in front of me in the same shirt and underwear she slept in with a straightener in her hair. I look at the computer clock. "Rae! It's 6:27! You have three minutes to get in the car!" "I know! I'm sorry!" "I'm getting in the car and leaving at 6:31. Just letting you know." My older daughter followed me to the car and got into the front seat. We wait. 6:29. I'm taking deep breaths. "It's six twenty nine..." Leigh sings. "She has O N E minute." I stay quiet. I hate the fact of leaving her and I'm having a mini anxiety attack. I'm thinking COME ON RAE! in a screaming voice because this is causing me so much angst. 6:30....no sign of the garage door opening. "She has one more minute and I'm leaving" I say. We watch the clock in the car. I see Leigh eyeing me through my peripheral vision knowing that she's thinking I'll wimp out. I always give in and never keep to punishments. I know this. The clock turns 6:31. With a heavy and angry and uncertain heart I pull out of the garage and make my way to the school with only one child. I'm torn between feeling like the worst mom in the world and being a little proud of myself that I had the balls to follow through. I can see Leigh in disbelief. She is staring at me with wide eyes. She looks back at the back seat and back at me. Then she looks at her phone. Then she looks back at me. Silence. Half way to the school I go into my guilt mode thinking "Oh my god, what if she misses guard class. What if she walks to the bus and hurts her strained muscle that she strained a week ago? What if she is scared and thinking that I abandoned her? What if someone takes her from the bus stop? WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER BECAUSE I DIDN'T TAKE HER TO SCHOOL??????????" Luckily logic leaped back into my head. What if she wasn't up until all hours talking to her boyfriend last night, she would have printed the pictures she needed as well as gotten up at a decent hour. Needless to say, this was a good practice for me too in keeping to my threats. It didn't make it feel better though.
I walked in the house to see Rae on the end of a crying jag. Sniffling away looking ever so cute she says, "I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry." "Rae. I love you but I am not going through what we did last year. You are grounded this weekend and you owe me a house cleaning." Before I could offer a one time drive to school my very resourceful young daughter found her own ride. As I walked up the stairs to the kitchen to get more coffee she went out the front door to her ride. For a while after, I couldn't decide if I had accomplished something in the guidance of my children or if I had just been a bitch. I wavered on the side of accomplishing something but I was feeling too bad to even figure out what it was. I left that up to the universe to reveal to me at another time as it usually does. I just reminded myself that my intent is always to teach, guide and not enable non productive behavior and hope that in the long run they know I always have their backs.
Happy Friday.
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