Background in Me...

I feel like most people in my life question why I’m like how I am and the answer to that isn’t necessarily that simple, however it also isn’t too complicated… My whole life I felt like only two people ever loved me both are no longer in my life. My Dad who my mom divorced when I was only 6 years old, I don’t remember too much of him but I do miss him because he treated me like his princess, which I suppose is why my mom has resented me my whole life. Then, there is my uncle who passed away when I was only 9 he’s the only person who actually cared how I was and let me talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. His funeral was burned into my brain I remember collapsing onto the floor at the lunch before his funeral and just crying as if it was yesterday. Ever since I lost the only two people who actually cared about me in my life I’ve shut off and shut down. I’m not an easy person to love because I hate hugs, kisses, and anything that involves someone getting close to me in an emotional way because I will never put my walls down. I used to try and put my walls down for my family but I gave up because it’ll be okay for a few days and then I would get hurt and have to shut off again. I cry but not in public because that is a sign of weakness and nobody can know that I have those, I hold my stuffed turtle my uncle gave me and I will just sit there and cry. I’ve only had my walls down for one guy my whole life but of course he doesn’t want anything serious and I have since put my walls up for him too, so I feel alone no matter who I am with or what I am doing. My whole life I’ve been bullied and had to deal with it because I was too fat, too ugly, don’t have straight teeth, and was very quiet. But why would I want to be all of those things if it means I would be friends with people who do that to others. Unfortunately I chose law as a career plan but if it was possible in anyway to be an influencer I would, not to show people how clothes work or my makeup routine but to make normal regular people feel confident whether they have a belly, non-straight teeth, stretch marks, etc. I used to be insecure but now I’m not which has helped my false confidence/ bravado a lot. I grew up with a size 2 mom and a fit skinny brother. My mom has always favored my brother and I used to let it affect me but now it doesn’t because I have stopped trying to be the perfect daughter because even when I am I am still not good enough. I’ve realized that when I am financially independent and have a family I will not speak to my mother anymore nor will I let my children because if my children ever feel the way I have felt every single damn day of my life that will be the end of me. I doubt that I’ll ever be able to find love though due to how I’ve grown up, I don’t know what love is nor do I ever intend to find out because every relationship I thought was a staple and happy went to shit and I am not about to become one of those people ruined by a person. I’ve been ruined by my surroundings but I will not ever let a singular person ruin me. I’m in college so instead of looking for a relationship I’m just hooking up with guys and getting drunk but even though I want a relationship I will not get one because one there are way too many people who are prettier than me but two which is the most important reason is that I am not ready to put my walls down for a guy and I don’t know if I will ever be ready to. I am just a 19 year old girl who has had a shitty life and doesn’t know what to do about it other than just keep going until I either break completely or find the light that will make me normal and ready to not have walls up.