I dunno why. I really don’t. My mom managed to unearth some of my dad’s stuff. I guess after carefully tucking his possessions away, and not being faced with them day after day, and only having the one or two mementos that I chose to keep in my daily life, the reality of it smacked me in the face again. I didn’t really know my dad. But seeing his poster of the planes…I wasn’t ready for the emotional turmoil it brought. I dunno why.
It was like all of a sudden I was my 16 year old self and I was at his house, a stranger’s house, and I was carefully packing his possessions all over again. I was exploring and learning about this man I had only met a handful of times my entire life. I got a sneak peak into his life before I had to let go of all my hopes and dreams of ever being a part of his life. I had to let go. And then the bitterness and rage came. The furious anger with him over not having been there for me when I wanted and needed him. The disbelief that he would die before reaching out to me and making things right. The pain. The gaping wound that was punched through my heart when I realized that my children would never know their grandpa was ginormous.
I came full circle when I thought of my gramps. Full circle. It was fast, and hard, and it brought a huge lump in my throat, and tears welled in my eyes. I stood there and willed them to not spill over, and my face to not turn the ugly shade of fuchsia that it always turns when I am upset.
Oh gramps. How I miss you! You’ve been gone for so long now that I can’t remember your voice, or the way your aftershave smelled. And Gram cleaned your bathroom last year, so it doesn’t smell like you anymore. And your big easy chair is gone from the living room so I can’t sit in it and think about laying in your lap when I was little. And who am I supposed to call when my car breaks down? Or I have problems at work and I need someone to tell me what to do? Or when I need someone to schmuck the stupid out of me because I’m being irresponsible? Who’s going to walk me down the aisle now?
Strange how one simple poster can make the entire world rock and tilt when I’m not prepared. Strange how quickly the tears flow when it stares me in the face and I can’t turn away.
My heart aches tonight.
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