I usually don't remember my dreams. Maybe snippets, but nothing concrete enough for me to wake up and want to tell anyone important about it. Today I woke up and went back to bed and during that 90min sleep/nap/dream state I was in, I had a crazy dream. It was a bit terrifying, but it wasn't a nightmare. It was greater than a dream, perhaps I was lucid, but not entirely.
It started off as if cutting to a scene in the middle of a movie, choppy and unnatural, but who said dreams had to make sense, right? I was sitting in a 70's themed apartment with my boyfriend and an old friend came to hang out. Mind you, this 'old friend' is someone I rarely talk to, have no emotional ties to, and it seemed completely random why she was there in the first place. She had brought her dog and we were sitting around drinking Coke's. Then it starts to get a bit strange. We smile at each other, my boyfriend is running around as if setting up for a party or getting the apartment cleaned, which also feels really awkward watching him do that. He's flustered and I'm casually sipping on a Coke; I don't drink soda.
Then the scene ends and I'm exiting from what seems like my bedroom into the apartment but this time it's not just my friend and boyfriend, its a full fledged party. And at first I don't recognize anyone, then everyone morphs into humans I DO recognize; people from my old Temple, characters from television series, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends, and the list keeps going. But there was no one present in my dream that I loved, cared about, or admired. That's when the anxiety set in. I felt myself grow anxious of the mess the party was creating, the disorder and the discomfort of not knowing anyone, and the panic of wondering what happened and how did I get here.
Scene cut, again.
I'm standing on the driveway and it's more like a slopping hill that dips down to flat land. Very odd. I spot my boyfriend's red pick-up truck down at the bottom of the hill and walk towards it. I spot him in the bed of the truck with one of his ex-girlfriends. First, I'm mad that she's here. Second, I'm more mad that she ignores me and proceeds to talk to him like I don't exist. And before I even know it, he's standing there wearing the most bizarre outfit. White clunky New Balance sneakers, a knee brace, football gear without the tights and no pants on, boxer briefs, and a small small white v-neck shirt. Then, I do the most crazy thing, I start to yell at everyone for not folding the cover to the truck down properly. Of all the things!
Dream ends. I don't think it has any meaning. All I know is I woke up with so much anxiety that my head started to hurt. I don't get it and maybe I'm not supposed to.
Maybe I'm a sour puss. I know I am, I've been told. I hate disorder. I like clean crisp lines, and tucked in sheets. I am a jealous woman. I am intimidated by my boyfriends love life past. I am anxious and stressed and ultimately feel scarred. I feel neglected sometimes and I often make it all about me. Maybe that is what I was supposed to get out of that crazy dream.
Whatever it was, I'm glad it's over.
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