From time to time, I want to talk to someone. It is a compulsion. But I do think writing or drawing or using energy to create something in some way is better. My head is still divided. I have talked more. I have put certain thoughts out there - floated certain feelings. We went for a drive on Sunday and she talked about us as a team. We pull together. When one of us is down, the other holds on to them.
Anyone would want to be in this team. This is the team people spend their life looking for. The team she talked about. But I don't know that this is the team we are in anymore. We both deserve a team like she talked about and we both deserve a lover. I go back to the non-conclusion that I've never been here before and I don't know if this is supposed to happen.
That part is over. I said it out loud. She was surprised and seemed to think I was issuing some kind of punishment but I'm not. I was just telling it as I see it. But I didn't want to make it about someone's fault. It's nobody's fault. She doesn't want it any more than I do. It is too raw and personal to talk much about to be fair. I'm not able to talk about the details.
Though my mind is divided. Though I may not know what the right thing to do is. I am certain of one thing. This part of our life is gone and is not coming back. It may or may not have started with laziness or it may be for good reasons. But I know I don't want to pretend it is there or put pressure on her to make something happen. I don't want anything to happen anymore. I am still a sexual being and I still want intimacy but I'd rather be alone than lie to her. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel that way with her anymore. And I suspect that the truth is that she doesn't anymore either but she's holding on.
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