Definitely feeling the dog days of summer.
School starts in two weeks and it stresses me out to think about how stressed I'm going to be this semester. Between two jobs and five classes and two additional student orgs--what am I doing? Maybe it will drown out this loneliness.
Currently: I go to work for four hours a day, and don't do anything except the occasional task or I write emails for The DA or write my next article or email my mom. Then I come home, make lunch, maybe clean up a little bit or take a nap and then watch Scrubs until I go to bed.
I'm so bored and I'm asking myself why I don't have friends to do things with. And I hate saying that, mostly because I hate the responses I get (from Patrick): "no you do have friends! People at The Daily Aztec love you!" Yeah, they do, but that doesn't mean they're my closest friends. I don't even hang out with them regularly.
I just don't have my group--and let's face it, I never really have. There's two sorority girls subleasing one of my roommate's rooms and I cannot fathom how they LITERALLY travel in packs. They are constantly together?? But then I wonder what it's like to have people in your life who you just do regular things with, who you can just call up and they will be there for you.
I bemoan about being friend-less all the time, but for whatever reason I haven't found a way to make friends, nor am I attracting the kind of friendships I need.
Every semester I tell myself: This is going to be the semester I strike up conversations with people in my classes. This is going to be the semester I make some friends. And then, I never do.
It doesn't matter how many likes you get on your new Facebook profile picture, what matters is who you can get drunk with on a Wednesday night, who responds to your text messages and not just your snapchats, who isn't afraid of being real with you and letting you be real with them.
I invited Shanti to visit me today and she ultimately snapped at me saying, "It costs me thirty bucks to drive down to San Diego and I can't afford that and even my parents get upset at me when I visit you and I can't be the only one driving here" to which she's only visited me in San Diego once this summer? she can't afford the tank of gas to visit me but she can to visit her boyfriend?
I guess that friendship is ending, which is a strange feeling. She's been my best friend for over five years now and all I feel is that I'm watching our friendship dissolve amidst her douchey-ass boyfriend and her own self-absorption. (That was unexpectedly harsh, yet true?)
I recently told Patrick I didn't feel like we were in a relationship and he replied he needed two weeks to figure out how to make us feel like we're in a relationship? ??? Soon, he'll be moving to Anaheim and I'll remain in San Diego and I don't know what's going to happen to us.
Though sometimes, I wonder if I'm still with Patrick because he's all I have. And he's someone to see theatre with.
I have legit anxiety of figuring out my work schedule at KPBS for the semester. My supervisor is passive aggressive and strange and I need to ask if I can cut my hours. Realistically, I can do my job in 10 hours--or, really, zero, my position only exists to make the company feel good about employing students--but they hired me with a firm "You will work 20 hours a week." I don't even really want to continue working there, but I feel like I don't have a reason to quit now. I feel like I need to keep the job so I can reduce it down to a bullet point on my resume and tell people I work at a public broadcast station. Oh, look at me, I have two jobs related to my career field already. I work in an office where I wear office clothes and deal exclusively with adults and sit by myself at a desk all day.
But then when I stop off at Pita Pit after work for my chicken pita, the employees talk and joke with each other, invite me to their Taco Tuesday romp at the bars in Pacific Beach, I think, sure, my job is more impressive and will help me out getting a job later (hopefully? not learning much?), but I'm missing out on those coworker relationships. I'm missing out on those fun, shitty jobs before I am doomed to sit in a cubicle for the rest of my life. (aka I refuse to work at Pita Pit after I graduate)
Maybe I'm just wishing for everything I don't have. Which is...companionship? Money?
I mean, there's hope I will find my Friend Soulmate(s?) in one of my classes this semester. My classes are all in my major/minor and a wild card theatre marketing class, which I was considering dropping and taking in the spring, but I might as well take it now in the hopes of either a) getting invited to theatre parties or b) making theatre friends or c) a combination of both
Besides, the spring brings on a whole other slew of things: applying to be editor in chief, going to Vegas, petitioning to get into my major, taking a fucking difficult journalism class, maybe going to Coachella (wanted to go with Shanti but a] she probably won't be able to "afford it" b] won't make the effort to save money for it c] wouldn't be able to take time off her life d] would have plans with her boyfriend/want to bring her boyfriend). Okay, stop thinking about the spring. Must conquer fall semester, first.
I feel like I'm going to burst and no one is going to notice. And there's two weeks of summer left. What do I have to show for it?
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