I should be studying, but instead I worry. It seems like my grandpa has been gone for years and it’s only coming up on the first Anniversary of his passing this December. I’ve been managing well overall. I see certain things that still make me think of him and cry and miss him. I hate Facebook. I come across posts from others writing about their deceased grandfathers & all I can feel is guilt. I have never posted anything about my Papa in his entire year and a half battle with cancer nor about his passing or about what a great man he was. I feel like a pussy. I’m too afraid of saying the wrong thing or posting it and logging-in to find a condolence post as a bad reminder at the wrong time when I need to be focusing on work or school. If I have a reminder at a bad time, it will wreck me because of my anxiety issues. I just feel like I don’t do my grandfather justice like others do theirs and it kills me. My family didn’t even have a funeral for him because I don’t think any of us could bare it although I don’t think anyone ever even said out loud a reason why we didn’t.
And I guess why I intended to write this entry was more because of the struggle my Nana is going through in her battle with grief and depression. But, of course, I had to go and make it about myself instead. I just don’t know what to do for her, she is in a very bad place and my two Aunts are worried about her hurting herself. I am fearful as well. I try to spend as much time as I can with her and we typically go to lunch once during every week, I see her occasionally on the weekends, and we text or talk on the phone a few times per week too. She says depressing things when I see or talk to her & I never know how to respond because it’s the kind of things that make me uncomfortable. A minor example is that she says she doesn’t feel comfortable travel yet and then will kind of trail off. She has these control issues… She lives in the guesthouse behind my parents house about 20 minutes from where I live & my parents like to travel a lot so they are going to the new condo they bought in Honduras for the month of February. My grandma says she can’t stay alone, but refuses to travel, and won’t go up North to stay with my cousin who lives in my Nana & Papa’s house they had most of their married life nor to stay with my Aunt that lives next door. My parents have two dogs; my mom and I got Sophia, the Yorkie, when I was in middle-school (who is nearly on her death-bed sadly enough) and they recently got Sparkles, the Chihuahua that pisses everywhere and won’t let you catch her to hold her. Anyone is willing to watch Sophie because she’s an excellent dog, but who do you think is probably going to get Sparkles for a mother-fucking month my last semester in college? This lady.
Basically, I need to know, how does someone go about not getting over the loss of their soulmate, but rather moving beyond it and reviving your life after? Is it possible when you’re nearly 80? Is it possible, but only for some? I have always thought it just took time, but I just see her getting worse as it passes. I know writing helps me, online support helps me, and so does music. She is pretty into Facebook so I think if I could get her into an online support group, it may help. But will it be enough? She needs to forge a new intimate relationship because I know that’s the part she’s missing most (not sex, but that partnership you feel with someone when you know only the two of you are in “the loop”). I know it’s too soon to expect her to have that, but I don’t know how to get her to ever be open to it even or to find something that fulfills her again. She was a homemaker her entire life. I know if she will listen to anyone, it would be me or my Aunt, Tanya. I just have to try to have a talk with her about it instead of skirt the issue because I’m uncomfortable. I can’t keep putting the pressure on myself that it is in my hands and that her being unhappy is my fault because I don’t dedicate enough time to seeing her.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I’m at the end of my rope & struggle enough with my own issues between the anxiety, excoriation disorder, and trying to motivate myself to eat well and exercise regularly. Oh, and the whole trying to be pleasant at work & school thing too. That’s a tough one.
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