Tonight it is anger. I'm angry. I'm angry for everything that lead us to this point. Most...most nights it is guilt. Most nights I fight back the tears, and sometimes they get through. Sometimes I throw fits in the dark. Sometimes it consumes me so much, what you wrote, and I can't get over that it is my fault.
Robin Williams committed suicide. All of a sudden, a nation grieves. All of a sudden, a nation sheds light on depression and mental illness. An unarmed black man gets gunned down in Ferguson and all of a sudden, a nation sheds light on gun control and police brutality.
It's all bullshit. What is real, and tangible, is right in front of you. The message you write on the mirror in lipstick so you don't forget tomorrow, the hollow....in your heart that feels like it won't cease, ever.
I thought the stages of grief were that, stages. But they aren't. And if it is so, they are mini stages. Gone through a million times a day, a million at a time. It...takes my breath away, to think of you in your last moments. Those last moments without hope. And I can't breathe.
And, I can barely do much else. I need help, and everyone is an idiot. No one knows how to help or what I need, and I don't blame them. When you paint your masterpiece...don't show your brushstrokes.
Because when one minute that you do...
Anger. I'm angry tonight. I'm angry you left me with this. I'm angry I left you for that. I can feel you here, and I can see you at the end of the couch.....and yet, you've made it out of reach.
I don't know how to end this, or how to end anything. I haven't made a fanbase on PB and even if I did it wouldn't matter. Just writing in hopes to let it seep out of my fingertips rather than my eyes, leaving them swollen in the morning. The pressure....the literal pressure on my chest, is almost too much. The stages, they take your breath away. Guilt....it's where I live the most, and it consumes you, to the very core. But the rest aren't a picnic either.
I would quite literally, give anything, to go back...to go back...to go back.
Loading comments...