My birthday was really amazing. Actually having friends is such a weird and wonderful feeling. Real friends, I mean. Not people you think are talking behind your back. One of the guys brought me yet another bottle of tequila as a birthday gift [...that makes 3 that are on my counter currently]. Somebody clearly knows what I'm about. God, I had so much to drink yesterday. Like...an entire bottle of wine, some mead, a few shots of tequila. My head feels like it's going to pop.
After the dnd battle we had and everyone went home Nick and I had sexual relations. Which was most enjoyable. I know drunk sex is technically illegal because drunken consent would never [theoretically...in practice: always] hold up in a rape case, but damn if it isn't my favorite sex.
My mom is vexing me. We haven't seen each other in over a year despite only living a quick 5hrs apart [for my family, that is absolutely nothing. I spent a good portion of my childhood making trips of that size and longer every friday after school and then every sunday before school started on monday]. I can't make it up to her because I normally cannot afford to take any time off and my car has been shit lately and I'm living preeetty close to the poverty line because Long Island is a piece of shit place where making $13/hr while your bf makes $20/hr means together you can barely afford food. And she keeps claiming she's broke. If that was where it stopped, I'd be fine. But no. My apparently broke mother is making trips at LEAST 3/month to Florida and Ohio. Apparently those OUT OF STATE trips are fine but she can't make it to Long Island to save her life. We live in the same state! You can drive here. You can take a train. You can take a fucking 45min plane trip. And yet, she doesn't have the money or time to see me. I'm just so upset about it. It's like I just don't matter any more. We get on the phone [infrequently because at this point, I cannot be bothered] and she expresses how much she misses me in one breath while telling me she's off to Florida in the next. Yesterday I had to call her and she was in Youngstown [the family hometown before we moved to NY...its in Ohio] at a family reunion for a family that WE DON'T BELONG TO. It was a family reunion for one of my dad's old friends.
It's just really hard to feel like she gives any shits when things like this are happening all the time. And...I already have a terrible relationship with my dad. I never see my brothers [one of them sexually assaulted me when I was growing up and the other I love dearly but neither of us can afford to make the trip between FLA and NY]. I cut ties with my Grandmother [er...without actually telling anyone, I just stopped calling. Because I'm trying not to keep in contact with anyone implicit in the abuse I dealt with growing up]. I just hopped that my mom and I could at least pretend to maintain a good relationship. She was literally all I had growing up and now she's just...gone. In September Nick and I will gather up all the rest of my belongings from my parent's house and then I'll officially have...nothing tying me to home.
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