It’s hard enough being a parent. Keeping kids alive on a daily basis. The normal parental struggles. But when you add anxiety & panic disorder into that mix - it’s undeniably crippling. I am emetophobic - meaning I am scared to DEATH of vomit/vomiting. The words, “Mommy, my belly hurts” sends me into a full blown spiral of a panic attack. My body enters into fight or flight mode and I literally hide, cover my ears and stop breathing. To someone who doesn’t have the phobia, it could sound like I’m being fucking dramatic. I wish I was being dramatic. It’s been something I have struggled with since my younger teenage years.
I remember speaking to a therapist once about it, and she asked me if I knew when/how it started. And I did. All my life, my sister has issues with a gag reflex disorder. Pretty much anything would set her off. When she was a kid, it was bad because she never knew when it was coming, so usually we had to leave restaurants early due to vomit on the table. She threw up in the car, at restaurants, pretty much everywhere. I can’t imagine how she felt ,but all I knew is that the exposure caused this disorder. I think it had to do with the fact that I couldn’t run from it. Family vacations I dreaded, because I knew that at some point, in the car, I would have to see/hear it happen. The disorder worsened as I got older.
Now, with children of my own, I have to put on the brave mom face. But I feel so GUILTY that I just want to RUN so far away once I hear those words. I guess you could call motherhood “exposure therapy” but it sucks. All of it just sucks. Today was a day, where it completely and utterly sucked.
My 3 year old woke up looking pale, and once I looked at him and saw him holding his throat, I ran away like a fucking child, and my husband ran him to the toilet. The whole time, my poor baby cried for me, and I was dying inside. All he wanted is for mommy to hold him, but I just couldn’t. Made me feel like the worst mom in the world. Eventually, once he threw up most of his food, I was able to deal with the dry heaving with nothing coming out. I noticed I am worse when I see it/hear it. He spent about half the day sick, but after a few hours of sleep, ice cubes and Toy Story, he was back to himself.
I am so relieved. But also petrified. Because if it’s a bug, it’s going to go through someone else, and this nightmare will happen all over again. Pray for me people, please.
Loading comments...