I don't even know what to title this entry yet. There are so many thoughts about some recent events that have happened in my life I don't know which one is loudest. But I want to write them down, just to see if any of it makes sense, just to test my perceptions on what has happened.
So, here's the backstory:
I spend a fair bit of time online in a virtual world. Like most things in life, it's more or less what you make it to be. For many who go there it's simply an escape from a mundane or unhappy life in the real world. For others it's yet another means of casual, albeit virtual, sex - and yes, often cheating on a real life partner. Some use it to play out fantasies they could never realise in real life. Others use it for some fun, such as role playing anything from a medieval knight to a Star Wars Jedi and anything in between. I'm sure there are lots of other reasons why folks use it too.
I used to have a business there which I worked for years, but just under 12 months ago while still staggering from the impact of my divorce I created a new account just for me. For me to just ... be. To explore myself. To somehow lick the wounds of my divorce and contemplate and maybe heal. To practice things in this virtual world that I would like to do in the real world. And yes, there was a little hope that as terrified as I am of meeting anyone again in real life, maybe I might meet someone here who would care a little - even the best of hermits get lonely now and then.
Very early on after creating my account, I met this guy. We'll call him S, for now. He seemed to be a thinker and unlike quite a few I'd met so far, not sleazy. He explained to me his situation. He'd separated from his wife in RL at some point (I never did ask and I don't think he said, exactly how long ago), and while separated he'd met this woman inworld whom he'd fallen in love with. I shall call her F. It was pretty apparent how deeply he seemed to love F. He used the term 'oneness' so the connection appeared strong to me.
There was a problem however. His daughter in RL, aged either soon to be or just into her teens (I cannot remember exactly which), was not coping well with her father being absent. So, after much soul searching S had decided to move back to his wife for his daughter's sake. The teen years are important years after all. And being the type of guy he is, S didn't think it right to remain involved with F while he did this. He wasn't going to just dump her, 'I'm going back to my wife, sorry' type of thing. No, he actually spent a lot of time trying to ease her back into a life without him (btw, their time together had all been in the virtual world, not real life), supporting her, encouraging her, but gently disentangling emotionally and intimately.
You know, I admired him for that. To me it was hard choices all round and yet here was a guy doing his best to put others first. It was not easy for him, the same as my divorce had not been easy for me. So, we formed a friendship - as he termed it, 'buddies' - and we would listen and support and encourage each other in our separate dilemmas. And yes, to be honest I was highly attracted to him at the start. After all, how often do you meet a guy who has such consideration for others, courage to act on that and yet still have a sense of humour and time to give to a friend who had more than enough issues of her own (me)?
But you see, to me, this is where real caring comes into it. The guy had more than enough issues without someone else falling for him and making demands on him. I liked him. He mattered to me. So my raging hormones were kept under wraps. Over time they morphed into a deep, caring friendship - at least from my side of things. I listened to his heartbreak and angst as he distanced himself gently from F. I listened to how he was settling back in with his real life family. He listened to my often angst-ridden struggles to find myself, find my feet and maybe find someone who cared a little. He'd seen men treat me like a casual toy. He'd seen men just abandon me at the drop of a hat because I did one thing that displeased them. He'd seen me struggle to build a sense of self-worth.
We've laughed at things, hung upside down in trees, thrown twigs at each other, paddled our feet in the creek, hung out together. I made a little hobo campsite on my land for him, so he always had somewhere to come to when he needed to get away from the emotional turmoil of distancing himself from F. It was okay for either of us to say 'I just need some time alone'. No offense was ever taken.
Then, very recently he put a 'pick' up in his profile. Just a photo of us paddling in a pond together with the words 'This one is important.' You know, it may be only a small thing to some, but that a friend had said 'this one is important' about me, well, it really mattered to me. It was like those few words made up so much for the years of hurts I've been through recently - so called real life 'friends' who not only casually turned their backs on me but belittled and scorned me as they did so, as well as my ex's subtle and well-executed way of totally destroying my self-esteem. Just one person standing up and saying 'this one is important.' It wasn't just a compliment to me. It was also, I thought, a recognition of all I'd done for him, as well. A recognition of the time given listening, supporting, caring. A recognition of a valued friend.
So, you can imagine my surprise one day to find his profile changed. The front page bore a single word, 'Locked'. The pick was taken down. After a fair bit of a hurt me confronting him about it various bits of information came out. His ex, F, had seen it and gotten into a tizz about it. How dare he have time for a friend and not have time for her. Then his new virtual wife that I hadn't even known existed saw it and got into a tizz about it too. Yes, you read right.. his new wife!!! Yeah, this is the guy who drew back from F, the one he shared 'oneness' with, in order to do the right thing when returning to his real life family.
And what words of explanation did I hear? 'I wasn't looking for it.' 'I didn't mean it to happen.' Uh huh. Typical cry of every married man I know who has ever had an affair. You know, I might be a prude, or even moralistic, and my reaction could well be coloured by how easily he took down his public acknowledgement of a friend who has stood by him through so much .. BUT... How can I think anything other than he has behaved typically of so many shallow, selfish men I've met? And not only has he snuck around behind his real life wife's back, but his online ex, and his friend, me. Oh, and this paragon who has drawn him into marriage in less than three months of meeting? Yeah, just read her profile and see the clusters of photos of her naked, topless, naked again and with HUGE tits.
I am still sitting here wondering what has happened to that man I first met a year ago. The one focused on doing the right thing and not hurting others. The one who valued people. The one who I thought was my buddy. He tells me not to judge in black and white but doesn't give me one tiny half believable reason why I shouldn't.
You know, I began writing this to see if, in setting it all down, I'd find some understanding for his actions, but I still cannot. I miss the friend I thought I had. I don't miss the man he's shown himself to be.
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