After some time, this has started to feel a little isolated. More isolated than when I began my OD so long ago. The internet was quite different back then to begin with. It was novel to pitch a few words into the unknown. I remember working in the computer rooms of DCU and seeing someone ELSE on www.opendiary.com. The surprise. I remember going to another lab off the main campus in my first University. I remember it was never busy and I remember how it smelled. I remember feeling things in there. But I remember not being so lonely with my thoughts.
Things are not so bad normally when I'm around him. But I unconsciously squeezed his hand yesterday and stone me if he didn't squeeze it back. But this happens because we are friends or becoming friends. It occurred to me that I haven't felt like this before. I have fallen on love and thought about "signs" or omens. But this feeling makes me want to believe all kinds of myths and see all kinds of signs along the way.
Especially at night, or when I'm tried. I think about how I have done things that I did not decide to do. But I know inside I wanted to do them. They are involuntary like all acts of caring that are like habit but where there is no habit. I kiss my mother on the cheek. I touch my partner. I kissed him on the cheek once to say goodbye. I nudged him with my knees walking past him. I squeezed his hand. I caught him as he fell forward although he had already caught himself. I brush a random piece of wildnerness from his hair. I want to touch him. Does he know? Do I know?
I have sent a message to a friend and sent an email to a local clinic. I feel like I should have some further counselling but I don't want the same person I had earlier last year. I feel it is important to be honest and open and to really try to explain myself.
I know that I analyse things too much. I know that exhaustively analyzing this will just leave me in more distress. There's a fine line between the way I would daydream to leave the real-world stress somewhere else and this fantasy and fantasies. I feel like doing nothing today. I feel like calling in sick. I feel like sleeping or walking. I can't look at my e-mails. I didn't sleep very well last night...
Loading comments...