I just need to write. I need to get my fucked up thoughts down and try to make sense of them.
Should I stay or should I go.....that's the question I keep killing myself with. Im sad it's come to this. I hate living like this. I didn't think our marriage would turn out like this. The day I married you, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Now, we've brought 2 kids into the world and for the last 4 or 5 years it's been disappointment after disappointment. We continually hurt each other.
I think I have my mind made up to go...but Im worried about my kids. How will they adapt? It's a huge change for them. Im worried it will fuck them up too. Im scared to go. I have nothing. I own nothing but my 2 little kids. Im scared to make the first move. Im scared I'll regret it but Im scared that if I dont make the move I'll regret that too. It seems just so much like a lose lose situation right now. I don't see an end in sight. I don't want to look like a failure to everyone. Couldn't or didn't want to make my marriage work.
Im just super sad right now. I feel just numb inside. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to cry anymore. It seems I can't even function lately unless Im crying. I hate my babies seeing me like this. I feel like Im failing them too. I just need to fix me. I hate not having emotions anymore. Or I hate letting the emotions that I do have consume me.
I think we're trying to fool ourselves into believing that we can make this work between us. We have hurt each other so many times.
Things changed for me when I fell in love with another guy. The other dude taught me it was ok to love....to function with love....to be loved like I want to be loved....and to love in return. I miss him. I miss laughing with him. I miss just being with him. I miss hearing his voice on the other end of the phone. I miss those texts. I just miss him. I miss my best friend.
Finding out that you had someone on the side as well, knocked the good out of me. But you know what...the difference for me was that you went looking for it. You sought it with different people. I was with the same man each and every time. And it's completely on a different level. You were sewing your oats while I was in love.
So right now Im just trying to sort things out. I know that I need to fix inside of me before I can even begin to think about repairing us. Do I want to repair us? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I just don't know if I can deal with wondering where you are going every time you go out the door. If you are really going to work or are you going to meet someone. Are you working late or are you meeting someone? And Im sure the same goes for you. I know it's not a one way street here. I get that. But right now....it's all about me.
What if I told you I've met someone else and I want to be with him?
Loading comments...