So I miscarried the baby on Saturday. Here it is Tuesday and I just recently quit bleeding today. Tomorrow was supposed to be my 7 week check up. I was supposed to hear the babies heartbeat tomorrow. I never got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I only knew I was pregnant 4 days before I miscarried. I felt hurt and robbed of my right for motherhood. My husband didn’t understand my tears were not for a clump of cells but for a child who I will never hold in my arms. I really wanted this yet nature took them away. I know there is a reason the fetus was unviable. I know what I wanted but mother nature gave me what I needed. Another chance to have a healthy child.
I am still taking my prenatals even though I am no longer pregnant. I have lost so much blood I am exhausted. I can’t get enough sleep. My hormones are so out of wack that I have suicidal feelings but I am fortunate enough to have a stable logical mind that reminds me sadness is temporary.
My husband suggested me see a therapist over the loss of my child and reminded me of my father’s passing in 2018. Life isn’t what I expected it to be. My husband and I tried for 5 years for that glimmer of hope. For just a moment I thought I had my family. I feel hollow inside and sad. My depression is effecting my performance..
My husband called me to tell me that he might be losing his job. He said tonight he would like to talk to me about options. I figure he is going to bring up mead making for a living. He is good at making mead but unless he finds a whole lot of pagans,witches or alcoholics his alcohol sales won’t pay the bills.
I am grateful I have my job at the hotel. It sucks getting up at 4 am to get ready for work but knowing I will be out of there by 1 pm is very nice. Everyone is so grateful I cook them breakfast and supply them coffee. I get compliments and occasional tips. I really feel like I matter it’s nice. I am friends with both of my bosses. Gina the assistant manager I used to ride bikes and play with as a child. We have been friends off and on for years I am grateful for my bosses Gina and Becky.
I am starting to have abdominal pains again. I wonder how long I will keep my pain from the miscarriage. Someday I will have my rainbow baby I just need to make it through this storm.
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