Yesterday I was supposed to hear the babies heartbeat for the first time. Sadly I miscarried on Saturday. By the time I got to the ultrasound I had no more tears to shed. I took off the bloody diaper that held the little contents that remain of my child and got in stirrups. The woman asked me how far I would have been I said 7 weeks. She apologized and I told her it’s okay. My husband and I admitted that I didn’t even know I was able to get pregnant after 5 years of trying we had so much hope. Within 4 days of that positive pregnancy test I sat in an emergency room crying from the pain. My husband tried to comfort me. We both cried while he held me.
I knew there was nothing I could do. When I found the blood I panicked and called my husband. He drove me to the hospital. When I saw him going 100 miles per hour I screamed at him to slow down. He asked what if it can be saved. I cried telling him the baby is dead slow down. All that’s left is the passing of the fetus. My husband cried that he didn’t understand we didn’t do anything wrong. I told him it’s just planted wrong it’s okay nature is giving us an opportunity to try again to get a healthy child. I told him all that’s left is healing and trying to be better. I love him calm down.
My husband has been irritated with me. For years I told him I wanted a child. Back in 2013 when we first dated I told him my future plans to be a mother. Each year that passed with no sign of pregnancy we eventually gave up and decided I must be unfertile. My husband and I were discussing adoption when I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited but 4 days after my pregnancy test my dream was taken away.
My husband is talking about sending me to a therapist over my depression. He is irritated that most of the time I hide in the bedroom and stare at the walls. He is tired of the tears and not eating. I keep telling it’s hormonal and he asked me what was my depression excuse before I was pregnant. Dad died in 2018. I almost died of a stroke in 2021. My mom ending up moving in with me on 2022 after her mental breakdown thanks to schizophrenia. While mom hides in her room I try so hard to clean up the house she destroyed. She moved in with me because she can no longer live alone. Considering the bullshit I have lived through I think I am doing well..
Today my car is being sent to get repaired. I have to get it repaired by a mechanic and after that hopefully it will pass for a sticker. I plan to do that last week but the pregnancy and miscarriage distracted me.
I plan to wait a few months try to get myself in order. I plan to try again. I have so much to do before my attempt at becoming a future Mommy..fuck you biological clock for making me feel worthless. I am so weak I almost cry everytime I see a child. I keep a straight face but deep inside I feel depressed and hollow. Nature has a reason to take my child but only God understands why.
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