Today was a sort of a stressful day for me cause 1) I had to make a phone call, and 2) I was expecting a phone call. I have been trying to avoid the fact that I feel home sick and that I don’t miss my comfort zone, my mother and my pets, especially my recently turned one cat. And my late brother. Basically stuff that I left behind me to move across a different country and continent.
So today was pool day for my cousin’s kids and this is my second week in this week new country and second time at the pool. I didn’t want to go cause I was exhausted from the stress and I wanted some alone time to think clearly plus I kinda had a mental breakdown like five minutes before we had to leave.
At the pool, one of the kid’s instructor looked really cute. This is just a fact. He was tall, well built, had good facial features,around my age too and I could go on and on. A quick fun fact about me is that I blush so easily and it is so freaking obvious that I embarrass myself. Because of this I was always picked on by almost all the girls in school and college whenever they saw a cute guy. Worse part is sometimes I didn’t even like the guy but, with the teasing I then tend to develop feels for that particular guy.
Now, here I acknowledged that; yes, this guy is probably the prettiest guy I have seen till date and that includes movies, anime, Korean shows etc. Plus, I agreed almost instantly that I look like garbage infront of him and then took a seat. I happened to seat right infront tho. This was completely unintentional tho. I then noticed that he was looking at me. This made me think to myself :”He is looking at me cause I should have taken this stupid sweater off, after I entered the place. I look like the oddest duck he has ever seen. And the ugliest too maybe.”
This did not go unnoticed by my dad and aunt. They began teasing me like anything. I was reminded of the cringe fest years of my life and saw it happening again.
A part of me enjoyed it and wanted it to be true and I loved that for once my heart beat was fast not because of anxiety and I felt happy on the inside after ages. No fake pretend and it left me wanting more and more. It still does. But, the other side of me that is complete opposite, does not want any of this. It is presenting to me the facts and what is my main goal. This is a mere distraction and there will be more but, I must not waver.
But I am thirsty for more so I will dream for one more day and put an end to this ordeal. I will go back to being monotonous. I don’t know who I am and I have changed tremendously in less than a year. It is hard to remember what I was like.
My sole purpose is to make my parents happy and give them the life that I and my late brother would have given them. It is lonely without him and I know he hates to see me this way. But, when I meet him I will try to make him understand. I am not meant to have a life like everyone else, start a family, find a SO… Gotta fake pretend some more years now. I don’t even know what I like anymore.
P.S I am sorta off the grid too and now I am contemplating on getting back. But then again I look uglier and older now so idk.
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