Okay, so I have been someone who has been through a lot. I was born almost 23 years ago, and I was born with a job, I was supposed to fix my mother and fathers relationship. Just to be clear, thats an impossible job for a baby and no one should ever think that a baby will fix anything. And my mother and father split when I was a year old. According to my mother, my father did visitation for a bit when she begged him and then when she stopped begging him to be a dad, he stopped coming around. She met a new guy, who was my stepdad until I was 9 or 10, who was excessively abusive. Emotionally and physically to me, my sibling, and my mother. She finally left him.
She was done dating, she had decided that she was no longer going to date anyone, and thats when I cried to her that I didnt want her to be alone. That made my mom start dating again, and she met my now stepdad. Who is a really good guy. My father came back into my life around this time with promises of never leaving again, and he stuck around for a bit. When he realized that he couldnt have a whole family back, he stopped calling, stopped messaging. And that really hurt 11 year old me. I cried in my stepdad’s arms because “My dad didnt want to talk to me” And I now realize that that was probably hard for him.
I had been left by 2 dad’s that told me that they loved me and had promises upon promises that they were not going to leave me. (Even though my stepdad was abusive, he was the only dad I really knew and loved.) I was hurt, and I also started puberty. Between my mom meeting my stepdad now, and leaving the stepdad prior, we hung out with family friends. That family friend was an old man, who was a predator. He prayed on my older sister, and took us all to disney world.
I remember being creeped out by him, he tried to take my bottoms off in the pool. But he assaulted my sister. And later on, my sister then assaulted me. I tell myself that my sister didnt know what she was doing, and that she only assaulted me because she didnt understand what happened to her, but it went on for a few months, and then when my sister started therapy, it stopped.
There was also a situation, where i accidentally kicked my sister when I was getting off of the bed, and she retailiated by pinning me to the ground and slapping my face fifty or so times, and she stopped once my nose was bleeding. After, she ran to the kitchen and grabbed a big ass knife, and put it to her chest, and told 10 year old me that if I told anyone, she would kill herself. So I kept it a secret for a few days, then when I told my best friend, she convinced me that I needed to tell my mother. So I did.
Things got better after that, I didn’t tell anyone about the sexual abuse because she blackmailed me and told me she would tell on me about things if I told on her. I realize now I probably should have told someone, but I was scared due to the abuse we had been through with my first stepfather.
Things went well for a while, and then I hit puberty, I found out about self harm, and suicide, and I started self harming, and thinking about suicide. It helped me be happy, the happiest summer of my childhood, I wore a black hoodie all summer with the excuse that I was cold, and I had cuts up and down my arms. It helped me with my big emotions that I didnt understand. But then my parents found out my 8th grade year that I was a cutter, and obviously freaked out about it.
When I was 14 I got a boyfriend, and then, to help me get my emotions out, I wrote him a suicide note with no intention of actually doing it, and no intention on giving it to him. And my mom found it. And took me to the hospital, where I then got sent to a mental ward. From there it seemed like I would get better in the controlled enviornment of a facility, but get worse when I went back home. I went back and fourth a few times, and then I went to a long term facility, where I was good, I think I hurt myself once maybe, but I did my therapy, and I went back home.
I tried to tell my mom about how my sister assaulted me, and she called the police, and they told her there was nothing that they could do. No one believed me. And my mental health got bad again. I started cutting again, and I had attempts of suicide at this point. I got sent to the long term facility again, and I was not nearly as good this time. I was angry, and I took it all out on myself. And when I was about to be 17, my mother contacted my father, told him about me, and asked him to take me in. He did, and on my 17th birthday, I was released, and I went to go live with my father.
While I lived with him, he was extremely controlling, and I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend. He gave me a phone and other freedoms that I had never had before. And when I started school, I met a guy. My father hated him immediately, and ddnt want me to be with him, which only made me want to be with him more. He was abusive, he would pinch my legs when I talked too much and bite me when I “Misbehaved” And I had bruises all up and down my thighs. If my father had allowed me the freedom to attempt to make my own choice, I might not have stayed in it so long. Said guy cheated on me with multiple other girls, and I eventually broke it off shortly before my 18th birhtday.
I ran away from my fathers house multiple times, he didnt feed me and I lost 40 pounds living with him. He was manipulative and didn’t like if my attention was not 100% on him. When I was close to being 18 I ran away, and the police decided not to look for me because I would be an adult in a week. I went and lived with a guy I had been talking to and that I knew for years, and me and him got into a relationship, and stayed in a relationship for 9 months, but he cheated on me while I was in basic training and I ended things.
That is when I met my ex-husband. Me and him were together for two years. I got pregnant when I had just turned 19 and we got married 6 months after our child was born. I found out that he was lying, cheating, and he was not the nicest guy, I wouldnt go so far as to say he was abusive, but he yelled and screamed and he had a bad temper. He shoved me a few times. I stand by the fact that me and him were both bad for each other, and that we brought out the worst in each other. His mother was also one of those mother in laws that you hear about that is just mean for no reason, and she put a huge wedge between us that led to our romantic decline.
I dated an abusive guy for a year after my relationship with my ex husband ended, and he was abusive, a cheater, a liar. You name it, he probably did it. I finally got the balls to end that after a year, and then I went 4 or 5 months without dating anyone, and thats is when I met Bob, my now signifigant other. He is amazing, we’ve been together for a while, and he doesnt yell, scream, shove, hit, cheat. I can’t say he hasnt lied because he lied about his finances after I moved in for a while. I caught him, and he was honest with me. But he was scared, and now were completely open and honest with each other.
Over the last 7 months, I quit my old job due to my mental health, got into therapy, I take my meds. I just got a new job that is a really good opportunity, I no longer cut, and I have been doing a lot better with anxiety attacks, freak outs, and recognizing when I am going into a depressive episode. I gained weight, I’m on birth control, and I take exceptionally good care of my son. I have an amazing relationship with my mom and my stepdad. And my partners parents are really good to me. Even though Bob has been through a lot, and they didnt agree with our relationship at first.
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