You are all so awesome! Giving me the warm fuzzies and what not :D I hope I can make each of you feel as loved and comforted someday as you've been making me feel lately.
Phew, I don't even know where to start. Had the PET scan on Monday. The anxiety building up to that was just killer. The best way I can describe it is that part in The Beatles' A Day in the Life where the music keeps building and building until you feel like you're going to scream from the intensity of it. Except slower and without that end bit where you feel relief wash over you because it finally stopped. I dunno. It makes sense in my head. That day I think my subconscious got so incredibly tired of being stressed and on edge because, during the scan, something snapped and I got one of those "everything will be OK" feelings. I don't get them often but they're often true. I held onto that feeling for the next 24 hours and I think it helped a bit. Plus, after my scan, Aaron handed me a bag of amazing pastries he got from Salty Tart. There are few things in life that make me happier than a good pastry :)
The next day was my oncology appointment and chemo infusion. I wanted to do away with niceties and get my damn results so I could just stop thinking about it all, but I played nice and didn't bite anyone. I still have some areas that took up the tracer in my chest, but apparently that's something that happens in normal people and the intensity is below the cancer threshold. Also, it's likely that it's still inflammatory cleanup. My doctor's words of "These results are consistent with a complete response to treatment" were music to my ears. Though, of course, there's still the paranoid bit of me that thinks my body's playing a grand trick on everyone. I think that paranoia and mistrust of my body will be a normal feeling for a while, though.
I am definitely relieved, but it isn't necessarily a particularly comforting kind of relief, if that makes any sense. I think it takes a long time for that kind of stress, anxiety and fear to leave the body and mind. I'm noticing changes. I'm not having to take in a big whoosh of air to avoid a panic attack, muscles in my neck, shoulders and back are ever so slightly unknotting, my jaws hurt like the dickens because I'm not clenching them as hard as I used to. I'm not out of the woods yet but I've got less of this nightmare left than when I started. 3 more chemotherapy infusion sounds like nearly nothing, compared with the 12 I faced before me only a few months ago. And my PET scan results say I don't have to add more. Or undergo radiation therapy or surgery. I was so afraid of that. One more PET scan after my last chemo, which I'm sure will make me a mess, and then, if that's what it should be, CT scans every 3 months for a couple years.
In less than two months, I might get to live life somewhat normally again. That's a wonderful, weird thought. You have no idea how many puppies and kittens I'm going to rub my face all over. This fall, I'm going to to go to that orchard around here than has a huge petting zoo and I'm going to pet a kangaroo. And maybe lick my had afterward because I can. And eat me some restaurant food! Indian buffets, sushi, delivery pizza! Mmm...
I've had enough of this being thoughtful and introspective thing for now. I can't wait until I'm writing about my usual weird thoughts. Until then,
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