23:24
I’m scared I might not be as productive as I thought with this writing, maybe I’m just repeating the same things day after day.
Ok so B was slightly down today, just a bit. He, as I rationally thought, talked w everyone and acted normal w everyone, all of this conversations through the last week might not have changed nothing for him, or at least he doesn’t show it. BTU they were really important to me.
I don’t know if it’s romantic this love I feel, but I want to talk to him, hold him, talk to him, I like him physically and he’s the best person I think I’ve met (tho I sometimes get neurotic and point out to myself whenever he says something politically incorrect). Yet I don’t understand. I still won’t tell him nothing, he said he might like Marco in the future again (he’s a lot w Marco, that kills me but I’m getting over it), and he most surely doesn’t love me. I will prolly tell the 3s bout it.
Atm, I live for tomorrow’s party, and then for the gr camp 2 weeks from now. Hopefully we’ll be in the same room (nothing dirty, I just like being near him).
I tried my eye-liner and I love my looks w that costume and the eye-liner, it made me kinda happy that I like my own image. Yet that’s my biggest problem rn, I hate my looks, I can’t change my face structure but I can try to go bit by bit like face, hair, clothing n stuff. Another consecuence of me not liking this is not taking photos of myself, and then not taking photos in general. Everyone posted photos os Noa on her birthday today but I did not coz I got none. I gotta take more photos of myself, so I’m working on my confidence.
I really really want to play guitar. I think it’s been a long time wanting. If it keeps like this I’ll prolly ask for one or sum in my birthday. I think I’ll genuinely enjoy and play it a lot.
Ok, so question. Am I the victim of the situation I put myself in? Apart from all of that of people putting other people apart coz they don’t like them in general so the avoid socialization (I do that for example w Mara, I don’t like her at all, so whenever Laura arrives training I talk less to Mara, but I don’t consider it to be necessarily bad, at least when you treat the other person kindly, so it’s not anyone’s fault in that case), why does no one talk to me? Is it still my looks? I do feel alone, I talk a bit more and wave at J for example, but we ain’t at all best friends. I hope tomorrow party helps w socialising. My first party.
I got an anxiety attack today (apart from the usual chronophobia and meaningless existance crisis), I wanted to drink and have fun at the party till 3am but I’m lrtrally getting up at 7am next day to get on the car. I hate it. I didn’t start dreaming live for idk what reason. I might arrive a bit late, I feel like I will want to spend some time w the 3s and stuff at Noa’s birthday.
I wan learn a bit how to dance something, I got no idea bout parties. I’ll also spend all time reading cards, I sneeked into Elise’s guard hour and started reading cards for some time now everyone wants to know their future. I will prolly cut it to have a bit of fun, if I can. I just hope I don’t get all depressed mid party.
I’d love to talk to B, he kinda brightens my night, tho I’m scared my relationship w him hurts any of us. I love him in a way he might not love him, but I refuse to tell him coz he might love someone else like that, that already hurts me but it’s fine because it’s me, that’s my logic. I also want to become something of a safe place to him and I think I kinda am, and it makes me really happy that he is comfortable. But I can’t and don’t plan to be 24/7 looking at the phone checking his texts, I learned that through nellee. I would like tho to talk to him usually. I also gotta start conversations myself, and not just replying his reels w laughs n stuff. I replied w more reels today, but he hasn’t said anything. He might have gone to sleep or dinner. Either way, I gotta learn to live without relying strictly on convoys w him at 1am to be happy.
Gotta learn more tarot and dancing tonight. I had never studied for a party.
I’m kinda down today, not the worst I have been at all, but I really hope it gets better.
23:42
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