As long as I have known myself, I have been a very self-less person. Introverted, yes, but I always give all my love and effort to other people. I always consider them, I do not want to disappoint or offend anyone. I do a lot of sacrifices, be it time, effort or resources. I have tried for many years to be the “kind” person as I can be. But, one thing I do not understand is that, why until now I can not think of a single person whom I can call as my best friend, and vice versa.
I remember when I was at my school primary level, I have been asking kids-strangers to be my best friend. That longing continued until these present days. Through out my academic years, I have been a consistent achiever, in fact, I graduated as top of our batch in primary and a cum laude in college, that those never helped me gain quality friendships. I think I really lack social skills. I also had my few groups of friends growing up, but nothing had lasted. No one could call me or check on me for a good chat or to ask me for a friendly dates. I can laugh at their jokes and deliver some of mine, but most of the time, I find it hard to enjoy simpler jokes. Maybe I am really not fun to be with. If not for my husband (who is by the way an extrovert and has a lot of friends) I would not experience a number of group dates. Still, they are not my friends. They are the friends of my husband.
I cannot call anyone mine. I tried to befriend those childhood friends of my husband. Little by little I wanted to be comfortable being around them. When I tried to make fun of them just as they make fun to each other, they have shunned me by telling me that “I am not their friend for a long time”. I didn’t know that there was that kind of code before you get to be comfortable being yourself around them. I just have given my trust that I`ll be accepted with my nice side and not so nice side, with my unconventional opinions, with my principles (that go peculiar from theirs) and with my way to deliver it. In a limited time, I have consider them friends, but it was not so for them. With that, I have caved in again with my old “reserved” self. So hard to be attached and be treated as unequal.
I also love to act as the “big sister” or “mother-figure” of the younger generation. I always make myself available for them. Even so, I always find myself taken for granted or worse, even disrespected. I just do not know why.
Why is it so hard to find people to love who would also value me as an imperfect person? Am I that so unlovable after all?
Many times, I hold my tongue or sugar coat how I would tell my piece to other people in order not to drive them away from me. Many times, I would ask my husband to coach me how to express myself, in order not to be misinterpreted. On that process, I lose myself. And, it is still in vain. No one could really appreciate me for who I am. (except for my only sister).
Even my husband would regularly tease me as a woman with “no friends” as if it is a good thing or would not hurt me inside. I cannot react because I know deep inside, it is true.
How can I get past this major longing in my heart to be finally accepted and be appreciated?
Should I just muster up the confidence to be myself without the so called close friends?
Whatever the best choice here, I am not ready to do extra mile or effort again to gain their attention. I am so done with it. I am just praying that someday, there would be individuals who are just like me, making me feel that they want me to be their friend because they just enjoy my company, who would accept me if I show my weaknesses, and would be still stick with me in times of my imperfections.
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