I have been longing for a great change in my life. Something that would finally lead me to live a life just being me. Numerous times I have tried and failed. Maybe because I really do not know who is the real me. I am lost at my very own world. Living a life for other people made me drift away from my own uniqueness. I cannot be confident for who I am. I am always in between. A mediocre. A careful person who just wants to be in her comfort zone. Someone who would put an invisible façade for all people to take heed, “Beware, don’t dare to disturb my peace”. Many times as well, I am a person for two things. I refuse to change my ways just to please others but I have a fear of rejection. I am uncomfortable at most thinking that other people had something to say against me. I want a long lasting and cool relationships but I have a lot of reservations. I am tired of dramas, but I loathe long nonsense chats and activities. I want to be present, but not so long, I want to withdraw from noise and crowd. I hate people of arrogance but I am easily intimidated by people of stronger personalities. I am considerate and at times impatient. I hate arguments and competitions, but when the situation calls for it, I am competitive enough to aim for the best. I am passionate but easily gets frustrated. I can sacrifice for a long time, but I can also give up at once when I see it fits so. I value respect and quality time, but being with people for a couple of hours drain me within.
Because I am confused and so unpredictable, I can fairly say that no one would want my company either. Who could have want to? I am also not sure if my husband or my kids would want my company, I am not fun to be with.
Every time I attempt to freely express myself, I find myself caving in back to my comfort zone again. Just doing nothing of significance. After few days, I lost my motivation and direction. I realized even being me requires a lot of effort. I slack off putting effort in my appearance, my fashion, my writing, my choices, and anything that would express myself.
I am afraid to let other people see my weaknesses, my flaws, my geek and gag side. I am not even being open to my husband. I do not know if he perceives who really am.
The worst thing of all, in the midst of these identity crisis, I still lack the skill of communication. I do not know how to effectively share all of these things to people that matter. I also find hard to identify to whom should I share it with.
With this journey, I pray that my God who created me, would intervene and help me understand his creation. That, I would finally appreciate her, stand for her, recognize her, choose her, care for her, and finally love her for her true worth. May God give me strength and inspiration to finally live the life that He particularly designed for me.
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